


Shattered Images

by ThestralSeeker17



Series: Reaching Infinity: The Story of Us [2]
Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: A Close Look Into T.J.'s Past, Blackmail, Coping with Death and Grief, Eventual Self-Acceptance and Self-Love, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mirrors as a Theme, Music as a Theme, Post 3x13 Events, Self-Loathing, Some Would Argue Slightly OOC Behavior At Times, T.J. Centric, T.J. Needed and Deserved His Own Story, T.J.'s Coming Out, T.J.'s Relationship with His Parents, Tornados as a Theme, major angst, some language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-03-06 05:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18844534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThestralSeeker17/pseuds/ThestralSeeker17
Summary: “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” –William ShakespeareTJ expected to look like death, but as he continued to look at himself, fighting the immense urge to vomit, he realized with horror that the image was so much worse than what he anticipated. It wasn’t that he simply looked awful – that he could have put up with – but it was reaching beyond the mirror’s edge that frightened him to his core. For TJ, seeing one image wasn’t enough. Instead, the reflection revealed two conflicting images: a ghost of the person he once was and a shadow of the person he wanted to be.Post 3x13: “Mount Rushmore or Less." Follow TJ and his journey to reach self-acceptance and self-love. Buckle up – it’s going to be a wild ride.





	1. One Touch And All Is Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> As promised, here is TJ’s story. This is my interpretation of the post 3x13 events, which will heavily diverge from canon. Shattered Images takes place in the same universe that I established in Maybe You Were Looking, But You Weren’t Really Seeing. I mentioned in MYWLBYWRS that there was a two month period in which Cyrus and TJ didn’t talk; that time frame is the basis of this current story. Rather than jam everything into an incredibly long one-shot, I decided to split the story into several chapters. As the tags indicate, Shattered Images is full of angst, so please proceed with caution. This journey will not be easy for TJ, but he will learn and grow from it. 
> 
> Also, I have to thank my best friend, S.M., for helping me pick out the title for this story. Additionally, she aided in naming the series in which these stories belong – Reaching Infinity: The Story of Us.

_“You don’t know me. I’ve got stuff.”_

That’s what TJ had said all those months ago when he and Cyrus found each other at the swing-set. If only he had explained then what he meant. Maybe if he had opened up, even a little, he wouldn’t be currently sprawled across his bed, arm thrown over his face, feeling overwhelmingly defeated and guilty _._

Defeat was a rare emotion for TJ, but this wasn’t the first time he had experienced it. He didn’t like to admit it, but he had lost various sports games in the past. The diagnosis of dyscalculia, however, felt more like a defeat than simply losing some games. It wasn’t until recently that the defeat slowly started to lift; with a specialized tutor and a steady studying schedule, TJ maintained a B average in his math class.

However, _this_ feeling of defeat was something else entirely. It felt bone-crushing – like he had been squished by a boulder that had rolled off of a cliff and landed on him.

He wasn’t a stranger to feeling guilty about his actions, either. He had done and said some horrible things (mostly to Buffy) that he sincerely regretted. Whenever he experienced guilt of any kind, he’d have a slight headache and stomach pain.

_This_ guilt caused him to clutch his head in agony, feeling like it was splitting in two, while his stomach twisted painfully in knots.

The combination of defeat and guilt, mixed with self-loathing _,_ reached so deep in him that he could almost feel his heart cracking in places.

No matter how hard TJ tried, he couldn’t forget the wounded look Cyrus gave him as he unzipped his hoodie to reveal the white t-shirt with ‘dribble’ emblazoned across the chest. Rather than look away, he made the mistake of meeting Cyrus’s eyes in that moment. What he found lurking in the deep, dark pools was misery. Open, unadulterated misery. Before TJ could react to what he had seen and regain any kind of composure, Kira hauled him away. Foolishly, he snuck one last glance at Cyrus and noticed that the other boy was on the verge of tears.

It was bad enough seeing the hurt reflected in Cyrus’s eyes, but having the knowledge that his actions nearly made Cyrus cry…that absolutely _wrecked_ TJ. He always wanted to be the person who brightened Cyrus’s days and cheered him up when he was having a rough time. Never did he want to be the reason behind Cyrus’s sadness. And the fact that he was now was horrifying.

Needless to say, he was completely useless for the rest of the day. He could hardly concentrate in his classes, not even in his favorite one – history. Classes, while challenging to endure, were nothing compared to basketball practice. TJ couldn’t remember a time in which he looked more foolish than in that one hour of practice. He fumbled his way through, missing easy shots, tripping over his own feet, and lacking his usual team captain spirit. Unsurprisingly, both the coach and his teammates were pissed, but he didn’t care.

All he could care about right now was Cyrus. Every single minute, his mind flitted back to the boy. He thought about all they had gone through together – the good and the bad. He thought about how his actions had jeopardized their friendship in the past, but without fail, Cyrus was always there, defending him, forgiving him, making sure he was okay, and giving him his support, no questions asked.

Except now…TJ wasn’t sure if Cyrus would be around to do those things. He honestly didn’t think he deserved Cyrus’s forgiveness or his support, but he couldn’t stomach the mere thought of losing Cyrus over his _stupid,_ last-minute decision.

Desperately, he wanted to stay curled up on his bed, refusing to do anything or talk to anyone. He didn’t want to face what was outside of his room. He didn’t want to face the consequences of what he had done. He didn’t want to face himself.  

_There’s an easy fix for that,_ his mind supplied.

His body moved before he was aware of what he was doing. He dug around in his closet, searching for an extra bed sheet. When he located the item, he crossed the room to stand in front of the large standing mirror. Draping the sheet over the mirror, he made a silent vow. Until he could face himself and what he had done, he couldn’t use the mirror. After all, the mirror was what had gotten him into the trouble in the first place.

Earlier that day, he had stared at himself, smiling at his reflection. He donned his summer costume, consisting of boardshorts, a blue Hawaiian shirt decorated with palm trees, flip-flops, and sunglasses perched on the top of his head. But, then Kira – _stupid, manipulative, annoying_ Kira – had interrupted his moment with a text. The next thing he knew, he was sporting a white t-shirt, which he hurriedly scribbled ‘dribble’ across. Glancing at himself in the mirror before dashing out, he saw an ugly image. One that he knew would only cause issues for he and Cyrus.

He sighed, brushing his hand over the sheet to smooth out the wrinkles.

_It’s for the best,_ he internally reasoned. _You can’t use this mirror or the one in the bathroom. You don’t deserve to, not until you’re ready to see who you really are._

Resigned to his fate, he backed away from his bedroom mirror. He looked longingly at the bed, already envisioning his weekend plans of sandwiching his head between the pillows, wallowing in misery, and avoiding human contact from anyone other than his mother.

Before he could make his plans come to fruition, he wandered over to his desk to grab his phone with the intention of placing it on the ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode. He reached the device, prepared to press down on the button, but with a shake of his head, he thought better of it, in case his mother needed to contact him. She was scheduled for a late afternoon shift at the Italian restaurant she waitressed at, but she often texted him if things changed.  

Flipping the switch on the side of his phone, he placed it on vibrate instead. Pocketing the device, he glanced at his desk. It was fairly cluttered – old graded assignments strewn about, pencils and pens tossed in various spots, wrappers from snacks littering the space. The only pristine area was the top ledge where he kept three photo frames.

Gingerly, he picked up the center one – his favorite – and held it tightly in his hands. He traced the frame lightly, eyes lingering on the three figures in it.

The photo had been taken when he was eight, right after his team had won their first basketball game. He took a moment to look at himself in his red uniform, clutching a small golden trophy, hair drenched with sweat and a grin so wide that it took up most of his face.

However, the other two figures in the photograph were what captivated him. Gaze shifting to them, he took in the sight of his mother and father, balancing a young TJ on their shoulders. His mother, with shoulder-length blonde hair and friendly blue eyes, was always stunning, but she appeared especially beautiful in the photograph. And his father, with dark side-swept hair and green eyes that shined with amusement, was certainly a handsome devil. They both looked so happy, their smiles showing pride and genuine love.

TJ smiled sadly, his fingers absentmindedly tracing over his father’s face in the photograph. He sighed softly, allowing himself to be wistful.

It was one of their last photographs together as a family. Not long after that basketball game, his father had fallen severely ill. What followed in next four years, from the minute the diagnosis was finalized to the minute that he had to say goodbye to his father in the hospital, remained with him, locked away in the deep depths of both his heart and mind.

He never liked to talk about it. It was a subject that he and his mother agreed not to bring up. He certainly didn’t mention it to his friends, past or present. The relationship he used to have with Reed and Lester was very surface level; they never discussed personal matters. And whenever they made plans to hang out, he purposefully made excuses as to why they couldn’t come over to his house.

He had successfully avoided the subject with Cyrus as well. He tended to dodge personal questions when he was around Cyrus, not because he didn’t trust him, but because he wasn’t ready for Cyrus to see him in such a vulnerable state.

Nothing could make TJ feel more vulnerable than thinking about his father, even for the briefest of moments. It had been two years since his death and he still wasn’t over it. 

While a relatively stable relationship existed between he and his mother, the bond he had shared with his father was truly special. His father was everything to him – his confidant, his hero, the person he could share his thoughts and feelings with, no matter how far out in left field they seemed. His father was everything TJ wanted to be: intelligent, loyal, kind, patient, athletic, wise, determined, ambitious, funny, and overall just a _good_ guy.

But, when the illness had embedded itself into his body, both his physical and mental states deteriorated, gradual at first and then practically all at once. What was left was a man who TJ barely recognized – the silhouette of the father whom he loved so dearly.

When Death finally came knocking at TJ’s father’s door after four _long_ years, he had gone willingly. It hadn’t just been a battle for his life – it was a full-blown, violent _war_. And at twelve, when TJ watched his father’s eyelids close and his last breath leave, he knew that it was time. The suffering had to end.

Even though he was glad his father no longer had to fight to stay alive, there were days when TJ desperately wished his father were still with him. More than anything, he wished he had a time machine so he could dial it back to the years before his illness occurred. If his father had remained healthy and active in his life, TJ wouldn’t have had to build walls and become the awful, ugly bully who his peers feared.

That person – the absolute, revolting _jerk_ – that wasn’t who he was. That was a persona he had constructed during the angry, painful years of his father’s illness. And with a father who was terminally ill and a mother who was frazzled and preoccupied, no one could really stop him. Looking back on it, TJ had to shudder. He hated that was the person everyone saw and thought he was. The TJ – the one who had appeared ever since becoming friends with Cyrus – that was the _real_ him. The one he was actually happy with.

That was until he had to go and ruin everything.

His mind wandered, vaguely thinking of the story of King Midas and his golden touch. Except that whatever TJ touched, whether physically or metaphorically, he broke.

_I don’t just break things, I shatter them,_ he thought bitterly.

The truth behind his thought brought him back to the present – to the terrible mix of feelings twisting and churning inside of his body.

Sighing, he carefully placed the photo frame in its original spot. A sudden vibration against his leg caught his attention. Removing his phone, he saw a text from his mother pop up.

**Mom:** _Hi, honey. I won’t be home until really late tonight. One of the ladies called off, so I have to work a double shift. I’m sorry about that. If you want to order pizza, or any other take-out, that’s fine. Charge it to your credit card._

His fingers quickly typed a response.

**TJ:** _Okay, thanks. Good luck with your double shift. Don’t work too hard._

Shoving his phone back in his pocket, he groaned at the turn of events. He wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or disappointed.

On one hand, his mother’s absence meant he wouldn’t have to pretend to be in a good mood around her. He could hardly stand the idea of having to smile pleasantly, force a laugh, or speak jovially about his day. There was no amount of energy that he could muster for any of that.

On the other hand, he wasn’t looking forward to spending yet another evening in front of the TV, flipping aimlessly through cable channels or Netflix, having had to fend for himself for dinner. It wasn’t like his mother let him starve, rather, she _always_ bugged him about eating, making sure there was enough food in the house for him. She fully stocked the refrigerator and cabinets with groceries on a regular basis, cooked meals and packaged them up for when he wanted to eat them, or instructed him to order take-out and charge it to his credit card that was linked to her account. 

Despite wanting to avoid human contact for the weekend, she truly was the exception. If he were to be honest, he missed her company. They hadn’t had a sit-down meal in _ages._ In fact, they hadn’t really talked in what seemed like _forever,_ only taking the time to exchange greetings and discuss their respective schedules for the week.

TJ had to admit that he could be pretty oblivious, even to the simplest of things. But, there was no way he could overlook the uncomfortable emotional distance that stretched between them. The distance had been there ever since his father’s death. They each had their own lives, and the fact that they couldn’t overlap them in some way hurt TJ more than he’d ever let on.  

_All right,_ he thought, glancing around his room. _I have two options. Mope around, or try to be productive._

Moping around was the easiest option, but TJ knew he had all weekend to do that. The responsible side of him insisted that he should be productive.

Making his decision, he grabbed his backpack from the floor, rifling through it until his hand emerged with his World History textbook and notebook. At least he knew this homework would be a breeze. Normally he started with his worst subject, but there was no way he was going to force his mind to comprehend math problems at the moment.

Pushing the miscellaneous items on his desk aside, he made room for his textbook and notebook. He plopped himself down on his desk chair, cracking open the book and flipping to the section about the French Revolution.

For an hour, TJ struggled to pay attention to his work. After reading the same paragraph about ten times and having the words blur together, he slumped forward, groaning, as he rested his head on the book. It was usually so easy for him to focus on history, but no matter how much effort he placed into concentrating on the material, none of it was sticking.

_This clearly isn’t working,_ he thought morosely. _Maybe I should get out and do something?_

Lifting his head and resting his chin on his hand, he stared out of window, considering possible activities. His dirt bike, currently tucked away in a corner of the garage, was collecting dust. He briefly envisioned pulling on his red gear and helmet, revving up the engine, and zipping up and down on the slopes. Then again, after the gun incident, dirt biking had lost all of its appeal. He hadn’t touched it in months, and honestly, he didn’t miss it. Plus, he didn’t have the energy to do anything physically taxing right now.

With that in mind, he knew he had to choose something low-key. There was really only one place that could ease his mind. One place where his fears and doubts would melt away, at least for a little bit. Of course, that place was _their_ place.

Then again, it was Friday. If TJ knew Cyrus at all (and he liked to think that he did), Cyrus _always_ visited The Spoon with his friends after school on Fridays. TJ asked him about it once, and Cyrus’s response had been simple, “Eating baby taters and drinking milkshakes is a great way to kick off the weekend.” It had become a tradition, and Cyrus Goodman was never one to break a tradition.

Silently throwing a plea to the Universe, he sincerely hoped that Cyrus would follow through and would be at his usual spot on Fridays, rather than at the swing-set.

The need to escape the house, even for an hour or two, clawed inside of TJ’s chest. Ignoring the feeling wouldn’t help, so with a frustrated breath, TJ hauled himself out of his chair to fish out his house keys and wallet from his backpack. Shucking on a hoodie, he clambered down the stairs.

On his way out, he noticed the white t-shirt that he had thrown on the floor in his haste to get to his room earlier. As soon as he had stepped foot inside of the house, he rid himself of that _stupid_ costume. It lay there, unassuming, taunting him. Angrily, he picked it up and tossed into the trash can in the garage before slamming the front door shut.

With a twist of the key, he took off, pulling the hood over his head. Shoving a pair of ear-buds into his ears, he cranked up the music on his phone, hoping that it would drown out the sound of his rancorous thoughts.


	2. Green Tinted Skies

As soon as TJ reached the park, he jogged to the swing-set. Taking in the sight of the deserted area, he heaved a sigh of a relief. Apparently, his plea to the Universe had worked, at least to some degree.

Untucking his earbuds, he placed them back in his pocket. Making his way over to his usual swing, he plopped down, immediately tugging on the chains and pumping his legs. It didn’t take long for him to begin soaring in the air, feeling a burst of wind brush over his face and tousle his hair.

Without thinking about it, he let out a loud “Woo!” For a moment, he felt as carefree and relaxed as that first time. In that glorious moment, TJ could pretend that nothing bad had happened – that he hadn’t just shattered the one _truly_ good thing in his life.

But, reality was cruel. And it often liked to remind him that he couldn’t stray too far from it.

Jamming his feet into the woodchips, he halted his swinging. In the next instant, a flurry of thoughts flooded his mind.

_How pathetic can I get? I’m here, swinging by myself, instead of hanging out with Cyrus. If I hadn’t screwed up, I’d probably be at The Spoon with him right now. We’d be laughing and sharing baby taters. It’s all my fault. Why did I have to make that last minute decision? Stupid, stupid, stupid._

The words, sharp and biting, kept cycling inside of TJ’s head, steadily increasing in volume and urgency. He was so focused on what his mind was screaming at him that he didn’t register the sound of footsteps from behind.

It wasn’t until he heard a cough that he realized he wasn’t alone. Jumping slightly, he was momentarily startled from of his morbid thoughts. He shifted in his spot, but didn’t bother to turn around, already knowing who had come to see him. It was only a matter of time before he got a tongue-lashing from her.

“What are you doing here?” he asked warily, pushing a hand through his hair. “Shouldn’t you be at The Spoon?”

“I left early. I wanted to talk to you,” she replied, her voice firm, but lacking any kind of heat or venom.  

“If you’re here to yell at me, go on. I deserve it,” he announced glumly, ducking his head to avoid her gaze. Willing himself to take a deep breath, he tightened his grip on the chains of the swing.

“I’m not here to yell at you,” Buffy answered quietly, moving into his peripheral vision. She leaned against the swing-set with her arms crossed. “I just want to know why you did that to Cyrus.” She paused, appearing as if she was considering her words carefully. After a moment, she cleared her throat and continued.

“Look, you and I have had our differences. We’re not best buddies, but I’d like to think we’re on decent enough terms now. I’ve seen how much you’ve changed, and I’m positive that Cyrus is the reason. And even if I don’t understand it myself, it’s clear that the friendship you guys have is special. I _know_ he matters to you, so why did you leave him hanging?”

TJ’s bottom lip started to tremble, as an uncomfortable pressure bloomed behind his eyelids.

 _Don’t you dare cry,_ he inwardly shouted. _Don’t let her see you cry._

Despite his internal demand, his eyes began to water. Mortified, he rubbed viciously at them, turning away from her so that she couldn’t see him fall apart.

This was a lot harder than he expected. He had anticipated a classic Buffy Driscoll lecture, one with a lot of shouting and possibly a punch to his gut. A part of him wished that she would throw her anger in his face; at least he could have lived with that. Hearing the concern in her voice…it made him feel exposed. Vulnerable. And filled with more self-hatred than he already was.

“TJ,” Buffy whispered. He didn’t even have to look at her to know that her eyes reflected sympathy. “You don’t always have to be so strong. You know that it’s okay to not be okay, right?”

He shook his head, a choked laugh leaving his mouth. “I’m fine,” he muttered, waving his hand dismissively. Maybe if he ignored her, she’d give up and leave him alone.

Of course, he could never get that lucky. Before he could register what was happening, he found her kneeling in front of him. She rested her hand on his shoulder.

“No, you’re not fine. Look at me, TJ,” she instructed softly.

Even though he wanted to look anywhere but at her, he listened. Blinking back the tears, his eyes hesitantly met hers.

Once she received his full attention, she pressed on. In the most reassuring voice he had ever heard her use, she said, “I know better than anyone how humiliating it is to break down in front of someone. The last thing I will ever do is mock you for it. I can see that this is hard for you, so if you’re not ready to talk about it, it’s all right.”

Her expression changed then, hardening slightly. The frown on her lips revealed her disappointment in him.

“Just because I understand why you feel vulnerable right now doesn’t mean I’m going to let this go. You need to know this is serious, TJ. You’ve hurt Cyrus. This isn’t like the gun incident. He was upset then, but it’s much worse now. He walked around all day, looking like someone had _died_. At lunch, he was unusually quiet. Andi and I had to badger him relentlessly to get any information out of him. He finally gave in and told us some things, but there’s a lot that we don’t know.” She sighed wearily. “Look, I know you didn’t do this to be malicious. You’re not that kind of person anymore. Whatever the issue is, you need to address it. I hate to say this, but you and Cyrus need each other. He’s been miserable and I can tell that you are, too.”

Shooting him a meaningful look, she rose from her kneeling position, dusting off her jeans.

“There’s not much more that I can say. So, I’ll leave you with this: I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

Turning on her heel, she started to walk away.

The words were out of TJ’s mouth before he could stop them.

“Buffy, wait.”

She stopped in her tracks. “Yeah?” she called over her shoulder.

“There’s something – there’s something…” he began, having difficulty pushing the words from his mind to his vocal cords.

Patiently, she back-tracked, returning to his side. “What is it?” she asked, tilting her head to the side in curiosity.

“There’s something I’d like to tell you, but I don’t know if I can.”

Her eyes were soft again as she regarded him. “You don’t have to force it out, TJ. If you’re not ready to tell me, that’s okay.”

Shaking his head, TJ mumbled, “I want to, though. I’m not ready to tell you everything because I’m still working through a lot of it. But, I can tell you some things.”  

“Okay,” she answered. “Do you want to talk here, or somewhere else?”

“The bench by the basketball court.” TJ motioned to the area up ahead, lifting himself off of the swing.

They walked in comfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts. A few minutes later, they reached the bench and took seats on opposite ends.

TJ knew Buffy wasn’t the most patient person, so he appreciated that she remained silent until he was able to speak. He opened his mouth several times, but nothing came out other than puffs of air. Finally, after what felt like hours, he managed to formulate a coherent sentence.

In one shaky breath, he explained, “I’ve been looking forward to Costume Day all week, ever since Metcalf’s announcement. Cyrus was the _only_ person I wanted to match with, which is why I came up with the somersault idea in the first place. I wanted something that was just _our_ thing. Then, yesterday, Kira approached me, demanding that I do the stupid double dribble costume with her. I rejected her, telling her that Cyrus and I were doing a costume together. But, then she said…” He paused, physically struggling to get the words out.

“She said what?” Buffy gently pressed.

TJ swallowed thickly. “She said, ‘So, you’d rather do a costume with _Cyrus_ than with _me_?’ And the way she said it…the tone of her voice…she made it sound _wrong_.  Like doing a costume with a boy, even if that boy was a close friend, was something to be embarrassed and ashamed of. She left then and I was stuck feeling conflicted. I _tried_ to push what she said out of my mind. I tried really hard. And I thought I did a pretty decent job. I had every intention of wearing my summer costume to school today. Even had it on before I left home. Looked at myself in the mirror and was pleased with it. Then, I got a text from Kira right before I headed to the bus stop. She…” he left his sentence hanging, feeling his voice begin to choke.

“Go on, please,” Buffy prodded carefully.

“She reminded me that I needed to wear a white t-shirt with the word ‘dribble’ on it. I stared at my phone for a minute, ready to text back and say that she couldn’t change my mind – I was going as summer, whether she liked it or not. Before I could type out that message,  she texted again and said that if I didn’t match with her, I’d look like a complete loser. That if I had a matching costume with Cyrus, that people might start to think…” He trailed off once more, unable to finish his thought.

An unreadable expression crossed Buffy’s face. Sighing softly, she inched closer to TJ.

Calmly, she murmured, “People would start to think you and Cyrus were a couple?”

He nodded, sagging with relief that he didn’t have to say it out loud.

“Would that be such a bad thing?” she questioned, tilting her head slightly to consider the information he had given her. “For people to assume that, that is.”

“Y-yeah,” he stammered, feeling the heat rush to his cheeks. “Yeah, it would be.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because…because….”

“Because what?”

“Because Cyrus and I are just friends. And because I’m—I’m not like _that._ ”

Panic stirred in his chest, causing his heart to thunder loudly. The air seemed thick, making his lungs feel like they were being squeezed. His head started spinning, a dizzying sensation taking over.

“Like what?”

“You know, like _that._ ”

“No, I actually don’t know what you mean.”

Annoyance thrummed through TJ. Irritatingly, he thought, _Why can’t she just understand what I mean?! Why do I have to spell it out?_

“I don’t like…boys. I _can’t_ like boys,” TJ gritted through his teeth.  

“And why can’t you?”

“Buffy, I _can’t._ I just _can’t._ ”

“Why can’t you?” she repeated, eyes focused intently on his face.  

“ _I don’t know_!” TJ shouted, the loudness of his voice startled Buffy, making her flinch.

Rather than back off like he wanted, her eyebrows knit together, as if she was trying to solve a difficult puzzle. After a moment,  her eyebrows lifted and her eyes shined with what appeared to be empathy. “TJ,” she began cautiously. “Are you – ”

“No. I _can’t_ be,” he emphasized, almost growling in frustration. 

“You keep saying ‘can’t’ like you’re physically unable to be…”

“Please don’t say it,” he begged, eyes frantic. “Please don’t say the words.”

“I won’t. I’m not going to take that from you. _You_ need to be the one to say the words, if they’re true. That’s your prerogative, not mine.”

His expression appeared slightly less hysterical, though his voice was still laced with worry. “The words – they can’t be true. I can’t let them. My life would be destroyed if they were.”

“I don’t understand,” she responded honestly, her eyes showing confusion. “Why do you think your life would be destroyed?”

He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “People would look at me differently. They would treat me differently.”

“By ‘differently’, do you mean negatively?”

He nodded. 

“By people, do you mean your teammates? Other students at Jefferson? Your family?”

“Yes to all of those. And Cyrus.”

A quick look flashed across Buffy’s face, but before TJ could decipher what it was, it was gone. Realizing her mistake, she schooled her face into a more neutral expression.

“I wouldn’t worry about Cyrus. He’s the most accepting person I’ve ever met. I can see why you’d be concerned about your family, your teammates, and other students. Here’s the thing, though. No one has the right to tell you who to be. You are who you are. If they don’t accept you for you, then they don’t deserve a place in your life.”

TJ snorted. “Easier said than done.”

“I know. As someone who often cares what people think and tries to meet their expectations, I get it.” She shrugged. “If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you learn to pick your own battles. Is this a battle you want to fight?”

“I don’t know,” TJ sighed. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

“You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Listen, what Kira did was completely wrong and out of line. She should have never said what she did.”

“There’s always a but with you, Driscoll. Nothing’s ever just a simple statement. What is it?” TJ urged, his voice taking on a desperate edge.   

 _"But,_ it wouldn’t be bothering you this much if there wasn’t some grain of truth in it somewhere. I don’t know what’s going through your head, and I’m not going to sit here and make you say it out loud. It’s obvious you need to work through some things and figure out where to go from here.”

TJ hung his head in defeat. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Start with talking to Cyrus. Explain your side of the story. Maybe that will give you some clarity about what to do next.”

“I don’t know if I can face him,” TJ admitted nervously. “He probably hates me. If I were in his place, I’d hate me, too.”

“Cyrus doesn’t hate you. He’s incapable of hating anything, really. He’s probably feeling disappointed and betrayed. He might even be a little angry. But, he cares too much about you to hate you.”

“ _Even_ if that were true, I wouldn’t know when—”

“I’m not saying you have do it right this minute,” she interrupted. “Talk to him when you feel like you’re ready. I wouldn’t wait too long, though, since he’ll probably want an explanation.”

Slumping his shoulders, TJ nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Rolling her eyes, she huffed, “Do you mean it this time, or are you using my favorite words to get me to shut up?”

TJ cracked a small smile. “I actually mean it.”

She returned the smile. “Good. Do you feel a little better now that we’ve sort of talked about it?”

“A bit. I think I need time.”

“I understand. Just…take care of yourself. And let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate this, Buffy.”

“I know. See you around, TJ.”

She stood then, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I know this is just between us, so I promise I won’t say anything.”

He shot her a grateful look. With a final smile, she bound away, leaving him alone with his thoughts once again.

After a conversation like that, he didn’t feel like staying. Returning to the swings didn’t seem like a possibility, as it wouldn’t have made much of a difference in brightening his mood now. Plus, according to the weather’s forecast, which he had checked that morning, it was supposed to rain within the next hour or so. With a glance towards the sky, he could tell that it was rapidly darkening, looming threateningly over him. If he didn’t leave fairly soon, he’d get caught in the rain, which was the last thing he wanted at the moment.

Sighing, he left the park and started in the direction of his house.

On his walk home, TJ pondered the conversation he’d had with Buffy. While some of it was helpful, he still felt unease and dread swirling inside of him. It began to feel like a storm – more specifically, a tornado. While he had never lived through a tornado himself, he had read about them during his science class last year. Some of the first indicators were green tinted skies and deathly still air – the calm before the cyclone touched down and destroyed everything in its path.  

With that eerie image in mind, he gulped, knowing that today was just the beginning of his personal tornado: his green tinted skies. It wasn’t going to get any easier from here, and the knowledge that he’d have to endure more of this sent a violent shiver down his spine.

As if the Universe had sensed his impending doom, the temperature plummeted so fast that all was left was a stark, biting chill in the air. The sky darkened even more, clouds rapidly moving to bunch together – angry and brooding.  

His eyes scanned the sky, only to feel the first plop of rain on his cheek. As soon as he managed to wipe the wetness away, more raindrops joined the first. It didn’t take long for a torrent to come rushing down, effectively soaking him. Quickening his steps, he bolted home, cursing all the way.

When his house emerged into view, he used his last burst of energy to launch himself up the steps of the front porch. Working quickly, he unlocked the door and let himself inside, relishing in immediate warmth that surrounded him.

Despite the sense of security that came along with being back home, he was still at a loss of what to do. Groaning, he threw up his hands in frustration, trudging up the stairs.

Several hours and half a pizza later, TJ found himself in his bed, blanket pulled up to his chin. The lights were off, bathing the room in complete darkness. He figured that if he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, he could escape, at least for a little while.

TJ had never had an issue falling asleep before. In fact, he was the type of person who could sleep, quite literally, anywhere and at any time. He _loved_ sleeping; it was his time to recharge and be completely at peace. And he was normally a heavy sleeper – nothing could rouse him from a deep sleep.

That night, however, sleep evaded TJ. Every time he attempted to close his eyes and drift into a light slumber, he woke with a start, heart pounding rapidly in his chest and sweat pouring from his forehead. Scrubbing a hand over his face each time, he focused on the breathing exercises his basketball coach had taught him. Those usually did the trick, but not even they were making a dent tonight.

 _I’ll stay up for a while, then,_ he reasoned. _No use in trying to go back to bed – it’s not working. I guess I’ll make some tea._

Most people didn’t know that TJ preferred tea over any other beverage. Sure, he’d drink water and Gatorade at basketball practices and games, soda every now and then at The Spoon, hot chocolate when it was cold out, and coffee when he had to stay up late to finish a school project, but overall, tea was his usual go-to beverage, especially during stressful times.

 _This is definitely one of those times,_ he thought ruefully. 

With a huff, he threw his blanket off and shuffled out of bed to prepare his tea. Grabbing the electric kettle from the edge of his desk, he stalked to the bathroom to fill it with water. On his way out, he noticed the bathroom mirror. Remembering his vow, he sighed and tossed a towel over it.

When he returned to his bedroom, he plugged in the kettle and selected a tea bag from the assortment located in a wooden box in his closet. Normally, he’d choose his favorite – peppermint – but tonight, chamomile seemed much more soothing. Once the water finished boiling, he reached for the empty mug on his nightstand and completed the process.

Striding over to his bed, he turned on his lamp and shut off the overhead light. Crawling back in, mug in hand, he slouched against his pillows. Rather than sipping at his tea, like he usually did, he took large gulps, allowing the warmth to burn down his throat.

Moments later, he felt his eyelids grow heavy. Setting his mug aside, he took a hold of his cell phone to click on his YouTube app. It was times like these that he needed some calming music to lull him to sleep. Searching for piano covers of his favorite songs, he selected a few videos, placed them into a play-list, and set it on auto-play. Setting the device down, he closed his eyes, desperately hoping that sleep would finally come to him.

It didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the angst keeps building! What did you think of the interaction between TJ and Buffy? Did you expect Buffy to be as understanding as she was? Leave a comment and let me know :)


	3. Day of the Twisters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the anticipated TJ/Cyrus interaction. There's quite a bit of angst, so please proceed with caution. Also, the inspiration for the title of this chapter comes from the book, "Night of the Twisters."

TJ couldn’t remember a weekend more mundane than the one he was currently having to endure. Normally, his weekends were anything but mundane – he’d be outside, shooting hoops with some teammates, visiting The Spoon with Cyrus and his crew, working a few hours at the Jackson Street Gym, or completing his homework at the local library. Of course, the one thing he felt like doing – working with the kids at the gym – he wasn’t able to, since his next shift wasn’t until the middle of next week.

So, for a day and a half, he found himself tucked away in his room, shifting his attention between his homework and replaying the conversation he’d had with Buffy in his head. For the most part, he’d been stewing in silence. He managed to avoid any long interactions with his mother. When he did see her, he forced a smile here and there, effectively hiding his foul mood. Luckily, she kept busy with her three jobs and didn’t bother asking him what was going on. More often than not, she simply pressed a kiss to his cheek, saying hello or goodbye before moving on with her day.

Glancing at the calendar above his desk, his eyes roamed over the date. He wasn’t sure whether or not to be glad that it was Sunday. Tomorrow meant that he’d have to return to school, but at least he’d actually be doing something _productive._ On the other hand, he faced the real possibility of running into Cyrus.

Almost as if the Universe could sense his growing fear of facing Cyrus, he heard his phone vibrate, a text popping up on the screen.

**_Buffy_ ** **:** _Have you spoken to Cyrus yet?_

Groaning, TJ thunked his head against his desk. Even though he wanted to ignore her, he knew that doing so would be pointless. When she set her mind to something, she could be extremely relentless. And unfortunately, he’d learn that the hard way.

Begrudgingly, he sent a message back to her.

**TJ:** _No._

He could imagine her look of annoyance at his one-worded answer. For a moment, he grinned. Despite calling a truce, he still liked pushing her buttons.

Her response made the grin slip from his lips.

**Buffy:** _I get that you may not be ready to talk to Cyrus yet, but you should know that he isn’t doing well. I visited him yesterday and he wouldn’t even leave his room to greet me. He won’t answer any of Andi’s texts or calls. In all the years that we’ve known him, this has never happened before. Look, I think you’re the only one who can get through to him. I don’t mean to push you, but he deserves to hear from you._

The guilt, pure and strong, settled inside of TJ’s stomach.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to reach out to Cyrus. On the contrary, he’d tried about a dozen times. But, every attempt ended with a frustrated shake of his head and a deleted message.

He hated to admit it, but Buffy was right. With a resigned sigh, he replied to her text.

**TJ:** _All right. I’ll text him now._

He didn’t have to wait long for her response. Almost instantaneously, a reply appeared on his screen.

**Buffy:** _Thanks. And good luck, TJ._

Closing out of that text thread, TJ clicked on the one he shared with Cyrus. For a few minutes, he debated on taking the plunge. Finally, his thumbs flew over the screen, creating what he hoped was a decent message.

**TJ:** _Hey, Cyrus. I’m sorry for waiting a couple of days to text you. I figured that we both needed some time to process everything. I understand that you may not want to see me, but I’d really like the chance to explain what happened. I also owe you an apology. Could we meet at the pond in the park?_

TJ’s right thumb hovered over the ‘send’ button. He re-read the message a couple more times, making sure it conveyed the right tone. He had half a mind to erase the words, but he figured he’d probably end up in the same spot an hour later if he didn’t just get it over with now. Taking a deep breath, he pressed the button.

As soon as ‘delivered’ appeared underneath the blue text bubble, he waited in bated breath. Seconds later, the tell-tale gray dots popped up.

**Cyrus:** _Fine._ _I’ll be there in 20 minutes. Don’t be late._

Wincing at the message, TJ could already sense that Cyrus was irritated. Brevity had never been Cyrus’s forte when it came to texting; his messages were usually paragraphs long. The fact that his response contained only a few words did not bode well for TJ.

Gazing at the alarm clock on his nightstand, TJ forced himself to decipher the numbers, making sure that his brain didn’t jumble up their order. Once he decided that he did, in fact, read the time correctly, he calculated how long it would take to arrive to the park without being horrendously late (as he usually was).

Figuring that he’d rather be safe than sorry, he dressed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans and the dark green shirt he’d worn to Cyrus’s grandma’s Shiva. He made his way of his room and down the stairs to slip on his sneakers. Reaching for his house keys, he dashed out of the house.

The walk to the park was a brisk one. Normally, he enjoyed taking a relaxing stroll, but the fear of being late outweighed the desire to take the scenic route. As soon as he arrived at his destination, he saw a lone figure, stooping low to take a seat on the steps near the pond.

TJ hadn’t been aware he was holding his breath until he’d exhaled loudly. He edged closer, calling out, “Cyrus.”

Cyrus turned his head at the sound of his name. Upon seeing TJ, his lips curved into a frown. His brown eyes, usually so warm with affection, were nothing but cold now. And the way that he sat, with his shoulders hunched forward, clearly showed how guarded he was.

“TJ,” Cyrus greeted, his voice even. He kept his eyes trained ahead, rather than meeting TJ’s gaze.

Bending down to sit on the steps, TJ wiped his suddenly sweaty palms on his jeans.

Testing the waters, he tentatively asked, “How are you?”

Cyrus shrugged. “I could be better.”

Those four words, already containing so much hurt and betrayal, cut through TJ like a knife.    

TJ was about to cut to the chase, but Cyrus beat him to it.

Cyrus wrung his hands, biting his bottom lip anxiously. “I know you want to explain what happened, and I will give you the space to do that. But, a lot has been on my mind this weekend, so if it’s all right with you, I’d really like get my thoughts out first.”

“Okay,” TJ answered shakily. “Go for it.”

Turning his gaze to directly focus on TJ, Cyrus’s eyes burned with anger. With a deep breath, he spoke, each word stabbing TJ with its sharpness.

“Do you have any idea how _humiliating_ Costume Day was for me? I stood in the courtyard, waiting for you, with a colander on my head. And it was all because I wanted to see you smile when you noticed the work I’d put into my half of the costume.” He paused, his voice taking on a reproachful edge.

“I went to school looking like a moron because you didn’t have the courtesy to text or call me about the change in plans. If you had told me that you didn’t want to do the costume, I wouldn’t have been happy about it, but I would have accepted your decision. What I don’t understand is why you showed up wearing a matching costume with _Kira,_ someone you _just_ met _._ ” He swallowed, visibly trying to compose himself.

When he uttered the next set of words, they were harsh – harsher than TJ ever expected Cyrus to be. 

“When you chose her over me…it made me feel like I was second best. And I’ve felt that way my whole life. I’m just the bumbling, naïve friend who serves no other purpose than to be a side-character,” he laughed darkly, almost hysterically. “And then I met you, and all of that changed. For _once,_ I felt like I mattered. I felt like I _existed_ – that I wasn’t some _shadow._ And then _this_ happens, leaving me with the feeling that I never mattered in the first place.” He glared at TJ before continuing.

“I thought we were friends – I thought I meant _something_ to you. For _months,_ I supported and defended you. I tried to convince everyone that they were wrong, that underneath it all, you’re a good person. Maybe I was wrong to have done all of that. It was all just a game to you, wasn’t it? Our whole friendship – it was some ploy to make me think you actually cared.” The last of his outburst ended bitterly, his lips curling into a sneer.

TJ’s eyes widened, his hands reaching out to grasp onto Cyrus, who immediately recoiled, moving away. The sudden rejection made TJ’s heart sink.

“Cyrus,” TJ whispered, his voice desperate, pleading. “You’ve _always_ mattered. You matter _so_ much. And you deserve to be first – never second, never last. Always _first._ ” Despite his wobbly voice, he was firm with statement.

_“_ Don’t you realize how amazing you are? I’ve never met someone as patient, kind, and supportive as you. Given all of that, you are _not_ some side-character. You are _the_ most important person, at least to me. This has never been a game to me, okay? Our friendship has been _real_ from the beginning. From the moment I met you, I cared about you. I never stopped caring about you. Why can’t you _see_ that?”

TJ wanted to shake some sense into Cyrus, but based on how rigid the other boy’s body was, doing so would have been a bad idea. With great strength, he refrained.

Scoffing derisively, Cyrus spat, “Yeah? Well, if I matter so much, then why did you ditch me?”

_I guess he’s giving me the space to talk about it now,_ TJ deduced.

“It’s a long story,” TJ explained, a grim expression on his face. “It might take me a while.”

Crossing his arms, Cyrus fixed him with a steely expression. “I’m here, aren’t I? Clearly I’d like an explanation, no matter how long it takes. I told you I’d hear you out. Go on.”

Gathering all of his courage and energy, TJ verbally walked Cyrus through the interaction he’d had with Kira on the eve of Costume Day and how that led to the events on the day of. Similar to his conversation with Buffy, TJ struggled to admit some of the details, but he was able to force out the words. However, he omitted his concerns about what people would think of he and Cyrus together. He’d already been through that uncomfortable ringer with Buffy; he didn’t want to deal with that again.

Cyrus listened patiently, while several emotions flickered across his face – shock, horror, anger, disappointment, pity, sympathy, and finally, he settled on an emotion that TJ couldn’t name. This emotion remained on his face while TJ concluded his explanation with an apology. 

“Cyrus, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m sorry that I didn’t follow through with my half of the costume. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about my last minute decision.  I’m sorry that I chose to do the _stupid_ costume with her. I’m sorry that you feel like you don’t matter when the truth is, you’ve _always_ mattered to me. I _never_ meant to hurt you. Hurting you… it’s honestly the worst thing that I could ever do, and I’m so sorry.”  

TJ tried to keep his voice from trembling, but his resolve crumbled the moment he launched into his apology. He sounded broken, even to his own ears. The weight of what he’d done crashed down on him, practically smothering him. The edges of his eyes watered, though no tears escaped this time.  

“TJ,” Cyrus announced, his voice suddenly soft.

To TJ’s complete surprise, Cyrus extended his arms. “Come here,” he ordered quietly.

Without any hesitation, TJ fell into Cyrus’s arms, burying his head against the other’s shoulder. Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply, trying to calm his thundering heart.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, visibly shaking. “I’m so sorry, Cyrus.”

Gently running his hands down TJ’s back, Cyrus murmured, “I believe you.”

They remained locked in an embrace for a moment. For that single moment, TJ felt like things were going to be okay. That maybe they could move beyond this. But, the spell was broken as soon as Cyrus released his hold, backing up to give them some physical space.  

With furrowed eyebrows, Cyrus tilted his head to the side in confusion.

“I appreciate the apology, but there’s still something I don’t understand. I have a hard time believing that you changed your mind because Kira said you’d look like a loser. The TJ Kippen I know – the athlete with boundless confidence – wouldn’t care about that. So, what really made you change your mind?”

That right there was the million dollar question, and for the life of him, TJ did not want to answer it. He couldn’t meet Cyrus’s eyes, so instead, he focused on staring at his hands.

“I can’t answer your question,” he admitted, feeling shame ripple through him.

“Why can’t you – ” Cyrus began, but didn’t finish his thought.

TJ looked up to see a strange expression cross Cyrus’s face; he appeared to be in the middle of figuring something out. TJ would have asked him what was going on, but Cyrus opened his mouth again.

“TJ,” Cyrus stated, his voice breaking on his name. Realization seemed to dawn on his face. “You backed out of our somersault costume because you thought that people would get the wrong idea about us, leading to the assumption that you’re _gay_?”

TJ flinched, both from the accusatory tone of Cyrus’s voice and the last word of his sentence. He didn’t answer, but it didn’t matter because the silence spoke for him.

A bitter laugh left Cyrus’s mouth. Wanting to cover his ears at the gut-wrenching sound, TJ could feel his stomach clench painfully. Laughs were supposed to be warm and joyous; they weren’t supposed to sound so derisive.

“Do you think there’s something wrong with being gay?” Cyrus asked bluntly.

His eyes blazed with a different unidentifiable emotion. While the last one was softer, this was certainly more bleak. Was it anger? Perhaps. Was it disappointment? It might have been. Was it betrayal? That was a real possibility. Or, it could have been a mix of all three.

Cyrus’s question, spoken so straight-forwardly, made TJ’s insides squirm. In all honesty, he wasn’t comfortable answering it. He hadn’t met another person, at least to his knowledge, who identified as a part of the LGBTQA+ community, so he wasn’t exactly sure what to think or feel. All he knew was that the general idea didn’t disturb him – it never really had. What was troubling, though, was the idea that anyone would think _he_ identified in that manner.

TJ was about to explain his thoughts, but all that he was able to say was, “I don’t know.”

As soon as the words escaped, he desperately wanted to take them back. Immediately, regret filled him, nearly suffocating him with its impact.

“You don’t know?” Cyrus echoed, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows.

Back-pedaling, TJ stammered, “I — I meant to say that I don’t personally think it’s a problem.”

“So, you don’t think it’s a problem for someone to be gay. You just think it’s a problem if people assume that you are. Is that right?”

The disappointment was hard to miss this time. It rang in Cyrus’s voice, so prominent that TJ had to cringe.  

“Cyrus—” TJ tried helplessly to say something – _anything_ – to diffuse the situation, but words seemed to fail him. He sat there, opening and closing his mouth, no words coming to his rescue.

Luckily, Cyrus noticed his inability to speak and carried on.

“Why is it a problem, TJ? If you identify as straight, then all you’d have to do is express that to people and be done with it. Why does it matter what they think?”

Shaking his head, TJ continued to remain silent. He motioned frantically with his hands, hoping to at least get _something_ across. It was times like this that he was grateful for Cyrus’s sense of perception and ability to read people.

A look of understanding flashed across Cyrus’s face.

“Oh. You’re worried that there might be some truth behind their assumptions. Is that what’s bothering you?”

“I can’t answer your question because I don’t know. I don’t know who I am or what I’m feeling. I really don’t know anything, other than I’m scared of anyone thinking I’m like _that._ ”

After TJ’s declaration, silence, so unbearably tension-filled, stretched between them.  More than anything, he wanted to _run_ – run as far away from this situation as possible. He couldn’t stand being so close to Cyrus and having the air feel like it was choking him.

Eventually, the silence was sliced by Cyrus’s soft sigh. His shoulders slumped forward, revealing that all of his anger had slowly faded away. What was left was an exhausted looking Cyrus.

In a voice that indicated how fatigued he was, he muttered, “This is not the way that I wanted to tell you, but I think it’s necessary that you know something about me. It has to deal with what we’re talking about.”

“What is it?”

“TJ, I’m gay.”

When the words finally caught up to him, TJ’s entire stomach dropped, the blood draining from his face. His hands, which had been resting on his lap, began to shake uncontrollably. His heartbeat increased tenfold, slamming inside of his chest.

Unsure of how to respond to the news, he simply blurted, “Really?”

Cyrus nodded, a solemn expression on his face.

“Cyrus,” TJ breathed, taking a minute to think of the right words to say. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, so I appreciate that you trust me enough to share something so personal.”

“I didn’t want to hide this part of me from you anymore.” Cyrus shrugged. “Does knowing my sexuality change your views about me?”

TJ didn’t have to think about his answer – it was an automatic response.

“No, not at all. You’re still Cyrus,” he stated, his voice quiet. “I don’t care which gender you’re attracted, as long as you’re happy. That’s all that matters.”

“Thanks.”

Awkwardness hung in the air, making TJ’s skin crawl. He could tell that Cyrus wasn’t done speaking, but luckily, he didn’t have to wait long for the other boy to continue. When he did, his voice grew steadier with each word.

“You may still be processing the information, and that’s okay. But, I want to make it perfectly clear that I’m _not_ ashamed of who I am. I’m _not_ ashamed of being gay. Not many people know – I’ve only told Buffy, Andi, Jonah, and now you. Even if I decided to come out to more people, what they think of me shouldn’t matter. At the end of the day, I’m the one who has to be okay with me. That’s not to say this journey has been easy; it most certainly hasn’t been. It took me a while to accept this part of myself. When I finally did, it felt like opening a window and breathing in fresh air after being locked into a stuffy, suffocating room for so long.”

Cyrus took a moment to pause. When he spoke again, his voice sounded hoarse, but full of conviction.

“Discovering who you are is a lifelong journey; it is for everyone.  It’s one that I’m still working on myself. But, I’m done questioning my sexuality because I _know._ I know it just as well as I know my name. I am _gay_ and I like _boys_. I’m able to look in the mirror now, say those things, and feel good about myself.” His eyes suddenly widened, making him appear as if he’d just had an epiphany.   

“If other students had seen us together and made jokes, I would have just shrugged it off because it’s _not_ any of their business. They _don’t_ have any right to tell me who I choose to spend my time with. They _don’t_ get to make my choices for me.”

“Cyrus, it’s not that simple. It’s never that simple,” TJ insisted.  

“I never said it was. Look, it’s obvious to me that you’re struggling with _something_ regarding your identity. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’m not going to pry it out of you. That’s on you to figure out. All I’m saying is that if you can face yourself at the end of the day and accept who you are, then everything else becomes more manageable.” 

“What if I can’t ever face myself? What if I never accept who I am?”

Cyrus smiled sadly. “That’s a possibility. Some people never reach self-acceptance and self-love. The road that leads to both is full of obstacles. But, if you can’t ever learn to accept and love yourself, then how to do you expect to accept and love others? The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. That relationship determines the quality of the rest of your relationships.”

Taking all of Cyrus’s information in, TJ inhaled sharply and released a slow breath.

“Everything you’re saying…it makes sense. I just don’t know if I have the strength or the courage to work out any of this,” TJ answered honestly.

If Cyrus’s smile seemed sad before, it couldn’t compare to what it looked like now. 

“You won’t know for sure unless you try. Can you at least do that?” he asked.

A part of TJ wanted to throw in the towel, right then and there. It would have been so easy to just tell him ‘no’ and walk away, forgetting that this whole thing happened. With one word, he could put an end to this relationship and return to his previous life. But, that would mean erasing the last few months – the good, the bad, and the ugly – from his memory. It would mean destroying all of the progress he had made into becoming a better person. It would mean snapping the last thread of friendship he had left. It would mean losing Cyrus – patient, supportive, kind, wonderful Cyrus – for good.

Mentally weighing his options, TJ made a decision. For once, he didn’t want the easy way out.

With concerted effort, TJ stammered, “I— I’ll try.”  

“Okay,” Cyrus sighed. “I’m glad you’re willing to try. You have to promise me something, though.”

“What is it?”

Cyrus’s expression appeared neutral, but TJ could sense some hesitation underneath the surface, almost as if Cyrus was struggling with something internally.

“During your period of self-discovery, we can’t talk. Please don’t text or call me to ask how I’m doing. Don’t go out of your way to say hi to me in the hallways at school. Don’t expect to see me at your basketball games, cheering you on. Don’t expect invitations to join us at The Spoon. Don’t expect random study sessions or meetings in the park at our swing-set. I only want to hear from you when you are ready. I don’t care how long it takes, TJ. When you are ready to face yourself, I will be right by your side. Until then, nothing can exist between us but silence and space. Do you understand?”

TJ could only nod. Rather than experience anxiety from Cyrus’s words, all he could feel was numb from the top of his head to tips of his toes. Complete and utter numbness.

Cyrus’s expression softened then. He scooted closer, placing both hands on TJ’s shoulders.

Quietly, he explained, “Please don’t think that I hate you. Hating you seems impossible when I care so much about you. I’m sorry that I let my anger get the best of me earlier. You didn’t deserve that, especially now that I know Kira manipulated you. Your decision wasn’t intended to hurt me and for that, I forgive you.”

A beat passed and then another. He looked conflicted, judging from the way his gaze moved from TJ’s to somewhere over his shoulder.

“I know there’s more that you want to say, Cyrus. Please just tell me,” TJ begged, voice strained.

Cyrus removed his hands, shifting his body until he was back in his original spot. Rather than look at TJ, he stared down at his hands, which now lay limp on his lap.

He continued after another moment of silence.

“What I can’t do is sit here and watch you feel uncomfortable about yourself. If we ignore this issue, it won’t be long before you’ll start to change your behavior around me. And that’ll result in a change to the dynamics of our friendship. I know this because when I was figuring out my own sexuality, I was super cautious around other guys. Before we can continue what we have, you need to figure this out on our own. Normally, I’d be right there with you, but I know I’d only be a distraction. As much as it pains me to do this, it’s for the best. It’s not healthy to bottle everything up because the inevitable explosion that comes afterward is usually highly destructive. No matter what you discover about yourself, I will understand and accept it. You just have to get there first. I promise that when you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

TJ forced himself to speak. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry, TJ,” Cyrus whispered, his voice lingering with notes of guilt.

Feeling his eyes start to sting, TJ gave him a weak smile. “Don’t be. None of this is your fault. You’re only doing what you think is best.”

“I know,” Cyrus sighed. Taking in TJ’s appearance, his eyes swam with concern. “Will you be okay?”

Swallowing, TJ nodded woodenly. “Yeah. I’ll be fine.”

Cyrus looked like he didn’t quite believe him. Nonetheless, he answered, “Good.”

Cyrus’s voice, TJ noted with dread, now sounded dismissive – like he couldn’t wait for this conversation to be over. Placing his palms against the ground, Cyrus pushed himself up and stood, brushing off his pants.

“I should go. Besides finishing up my homework, I have a few errands to run.” Before he turned away, he murmured, “You know where to find me when you’re ready.” With those last words, he was gone.

As soon as Cyrus left, TJ dropped his head into his hands, squeezing his eyes shut and fighting the tears that threatened to spill. Grimly, he realized that his green-tinted skies had transitioned into a full-blown twister. And whether he liked it or not, he had been sucked into the middle of the swirling, violent winds. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be completely honest, in all the years I've written fan-fiction, this chapter was, by far, the most difficult thing to write. I wrote and re-wrote several sections of it, particularly Cyrus's dialogue. It took some time before I was finally happy with what Cyrus was trying to get across. What do you all think? Was Cyrus too harsh with his ultimatum? If you were in TJ's shoes, how would you feel? Let me know in a comment!


	4. Under the Microscope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, dear. This chapter started taking on a life of its own and turned out way longer than I had initially planned. Whoops. It goes to show you that even if you have initial plans, you don't always stick to them. 
> 
> TJ interacts with quite a few people in here, including Kira. A warning before you begin reading: Kira will not be receiving a redemption arc, so the way she's portrayed in this chapter is how I see her in my head. As a result, she expresses some very unpleasant behavior. There is language sprinkled throughout, as well. A LOT happens in this chapter, so please buckle up for the ride.
> 
> Also, I'd like to give a shout-out to Anakin133 for all of the encouragement and support. You've been amazing, so thanks a million! And I'd like to extend a huge thank you to my best friend, S.M., for putting up with my random calls and texts, discussing the story's details. I couldn't do this without you, darling.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Monday morning came way too early for TJ.

With the hood of his sweatshirt pulled up and his ear-buds in, he trudged toward the front doors of Jefferson, internally cursing the fact that he had to show up to school today. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with anything at the moment, let alone a day full of classes and social interaction.

Scowling, he rubbed at his eyes, trying to clear the haze out of them.

He’d tossed and turned all night, occasionally jolting awake, heart racing and sweat pouring from what seemed like every gland of his body. Despite taking a cooling shower this morning, he still felt grimy and disgusting. He was sure he looked just as bad as he felt; he had blindly reached for an outfit from his closet, arranged his hair (without the use of any mirror), and grabbed a bagel from the kitchen on his way to the bus stop.

Entering the building, TJ lowered his hood and headed straight for his locker. Normally, he would stick around outside and visit with some of his teammates, or have breakfast with Cyrus in the cafeteria. He didn’t have energy to do the former, and the latter was impossible, given Cyrus’s ultimatum.

_Can today be over?_ He thought sourly, spinning the combination on his locker and flinging open the door.

Unzipping his backpack, he stowed away his ear-buds and began pulling out the textbooks and notebooks he had taken home with him over the weekend. He shoved his backpack into the storage space, then started to arrange everything by class period – a ritual he did every school morning. He was about to grab the necessary items for his first period when someone interrupted him.

“Kippen!” a voice exclaimed.

TJ froze, his blood running cold. Truthfully, he had expected a confrontation from her, but he still wasn’t prepared for it. He had managed to ignore her for the past couple of days by blatantly deleting any message she sent to him. Unfortunately, her physical presence meant he couldn’t put off dealing with her, even though she was the _last_ person he wanted to talk to right now.

“What?” he hissed, not bothering to turn around. Instead, he reached for his Biology notebook.

“You ignored my texts all weekend,” Kira accused, voice sharp.

“So?”

He didn’t care that he sounded like a callous jerk. In fact, he reveled in it. Despite hating the intimidating image he had crafted over the years, he was glad that he could pull it out when he needed to. She certainly didn’t deserve to see his nicer, more genuine self.

“ _So,_ I wanted to talk to you,” she snapped, irritation seeping into her tone.

“Well, I don’t want to talk to you,” he answered, just as angrily. With a huff, he took a hold of the rest of the items for Biology and forcefully slammed his locker shut, earning a few curious glances from the people nearby.

He turned on his heel to walk away, but her next words made him stop in his tracks. 

“Is this about Costume Day?” she asked derisively. “Don’t tell me you’re still upset about that.”

Shifting to look at her, he clenched his jaw. “It’s none of your business,” he ground out.

“It _is_ my business,” she shot back, raising her chin in a challenge. “Look, you may still be moping about hurting that Cyrus freak, but that’s hardly important. What _is_ important is what you’re gonna do for me.” She paused dramatically, a smirk on her lips. “ _You_ are going to get me a spot on the boys’ basketball team.”

“First of all,” TJ growled, baring his teeth. “Cyrus is _not_ a freak. He’s the furthest thing from one. He’s an amazing person, and you don’t get to say anything negative about him. _Ever._ ”

“Yeah?” she mocked, stepping forward into his space. “Well, defend him all you want, it’s not going to change anything.”

TJ had to take a calming breath, or he was literally going to tackle her. He had never wanted to use any kind of physical violence on a girl in his life, but she was _the_ exception. No one could get on his nerves like this – not even Buffy.

“Second,” he continued, voice tight. “There is no way in _hell_ that I am letting you on the team. Good player or not, you don’t deserve a spot. End. Of. Discussion.”

He shouldered past her, but she grabbed his wrist before he could make it far. She immediately let go, but closing the distance between them once more, she lowered her voice into a threatening tone.  

“Don’t cross me, Kippen. You get me a spot on the team, _or_ I’ll rat out your secret to the whole school.”

His façade slipped, ever so slightly. “What secret?” he asked, feigning obliviousness.

She arched an eyebrow. “You know the one.”

“No, I don’t. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

But, he did. He could deny it all he wanted, but the truth was there in the form of a pit of dread in his stomach.  

“Oh, TJ. You know _exactly_ what I’m referring to.”   

He wasn’t about to budge. Setting his jaw, he simply glowered at her.

“Fine, you want me to spell it out for you?” She dropped her voice to a lower octave.  “Here it is: you’re afraid that people will think you’re gay. I’ll admit that I don’t know your sexuality for sure, but I could take a good guess. Regardless of whether or not you’re actually gay, I could still tell people that you like boys. Imagine what that would do to your reputation.”

Even though her tone remained neutral, her brown eyes glinted with maliciousness. Without a shadow of a doubt, TJ knew she was enjoying watching him squirm.

“What, you’re going to blackmail me now?” TJ scoffed, shaking his head. "You’re really gonna stoop that low?”

“ _Well,_ when you put it _that_ way, blackmail is such an ugly word,” she drawled, batting her eyelashes in faux innocence. “ _I’d_ like to think of it as a way to get what I want. And I _always_ get what I want.”

Despite the serious moment, TJ snorted. “Is that so? Even if I approved of you joining the team, the final decision is up to Coach Purcell. And if he says no, then you’re out of luck.”

“Oh, he won’t say no,” she responded simply. “Because you won’t let that happen.”

TJ furrowed his brows, frowning in confusion. “What do you mean?”

_"You’re_ going to convince him to let me try out. Once he sees my skills on the court, he’ll know that he wants me on the team. After he makes his initial evaluations, he’ll ask you for your thoughts because you’re the team captain and he trusts your judgement. _Of course_ you’re going to say that I’m a fantastic player and you can’t imagine the team without me.”

“You seem so sure of this plan. What makes you think I have that much power over the coach?” 

Her eyes narrowed into a pointed glare. “You have a presence at this school, whether that’s on the court or off of it. People know who you are – they’re aware of your position on the team and on the social hierarchy. Coach knows this, too. If he’s going to listen to anyone, it’s you. You can convince anyone of anything, including your ability to pass as straight.”

TJ loathed to admit it, but she had a point, at least up until the last thing she said.  

“You just said that you aren’t a hundred percent certain what my sexuality is. Well, what if I am straight? Then, you have no leverage over me,” TJ snarled, matching his glare to hers.

She shrugged, appearing as if his statement had no effect on her whatsoever.

“Okay, for argument’s sake, you’re straight and perfectly secure in your sexuality. That means you wouldn’t be the least bit affected by any rumor that I choose to spread. And since this school is fairly small and news spreads like wildfire, I’m sure everyone will know by the end of the day.”

Her voice changed then, taking on a sugary sweet tone. “Let’s make this an experiment, shall we? I’ll just go ahead and drop the hint that you’re into guys…” She paused, scanning the area, trying to locate someone.

When she found her victim, she turned to a female student passing by, motioning with her hand for the other girl to come closer. “Hey, did you hear…” she didn’t finish her sentence before TJ interrupted.  

“Don’t,” he hissed quietly, hands shaking and panic rising in his chest.

His eyes darted back and forth between Kira and the student. Gulping, he waved the student off, who in turn, gave him a perplexed look before ambling down the hall.

Turning to TJ, Kira smirked. “My, my, my. That was mighty defensive for someone who’s so secure in his sexuality.”

Rather than retort with a vicious comeback, he stated harshly, “I may be oblivious to a lot of things, but not to this. I _know_ you’re blackmailing me because you want to get back at Buffy. And it’s because you’re still so bitter about being kicked off the girls’ team.”

A flash of rage appeared on Kira’s face. If looks could kill, he would have been struck dead on the spot.

“Listen here, Kippen,” she seethed. “I was the best damn player on that pathetic mess of a team. In fact, I’m the best player a team could ever have. Despite knowing that I was the ticket to the team’s success, Buffy kicked me off because of my so-called ‘bad attitude.’ It was complete bullshit. So, I decided that it was time for revenge. First, I wanted to hurt that freak friend of hers. Then, I figured I’d take a shot at you since she seems to care about you, too. And the last piece of the puzzle is to join the boys’ team, show her up, and receive the recognition that I deserve.”

TJ laughed, the sound so acidic that he didn’t realize it was coming from him at first.

“I can’t believe you’ve planned all of this. It’s ridiculous how petty you are.”

“I. AM. NOT. PETTY!” she screamed, crowding into his space. Using both hands, she shoved his chest.

He stumbled back in shock, rather than from the impact itself. Regaining his balance, he narrowed his eyes. “Oh, yeah? Then why the hell did you just _shove_ me?”

“You deserved it.”

Squaring his shoulders and learning forward, he barked, “You don’t scare me, Kira. You try to act like you’re intimidating, but it’s not working for you. Actually, you suck at it.”

Crossing her arms, Kira chuckled haughtily. “I don’t have to be intimidating to get under your skin, Kippen. And I know for a fact that I’ve already done that. Your reaction earlier? It was clear that you were worried about your image in front of that random girl. I could just imagine what the whole school would think.” She paused, shifting her tone to one that dripped with venom.

She whispered, “TJ Kippen – Jefferson’s star basketball player – likes _boys._ Imagine all the stares, the laughs, the teasing, and bullying you’d receive. Not to mention, Coach would start to see you differently, too. He’d wonder if you could ever be trusted around other boys. I bet you wouldn’t even be able to control yourself. And your friends? They’d think you’re a freak. And they’d be right because you would be an absolute, disgusting freak. Now, can you really live with all of that?”

As soon as the words left her mouth, TJ couldn’t help it – he started to envision the _horrifying_ image she had crafted. He could easily picture the disgusted stares thrown his way, the whispered words, the mocking laughter, and the never-ending names he’d be called. He’d lose everything he’d worked hard to build over the years, both on and off the court. He’d be written off as a disgrace – a shameful, repulsive disgrace.

His heartbeat increased ten-fold, while bile rose inside of his throat, threatening to spill out of it. The terror must have been evident in his eyes because Kira’s lips suddenly turned upward into a victorious smile.

“Do we have a deal?” she asked, her tone sugary sweet once again.

He forced himself to count to three in his head, take a calming breath, and swallow down the rising bile.

“Fine,” he replied, in the same manner that he used when he agreed to pass Buffy the ball. “I’ll talk to Coach later today.”

Clapping him on the shoulder, she cooed, “Now, that’s a good boy.”

She dashed off in the next moment, leaving him standing there in the middle of the hallway. All he could do was stare after her, wondering how everything had escalated so quickly.

Before he could think too much about it, the shrill cry of the bell echoed throughout the building, signaling the ten minute warning until class started.

Sighing, he began moving in the direction of his Biology classroom, located down a couple flights of stairs in the science wing. Luckily, he still had a few minutes to spare. Practically flying down the stairs and speeding through the halls, he made it there in no time. Rounding the corner to his classroom, he found a peculiar sight.

Cyrus was there, wearing khakis and the cobalt blue polo that TJ secretly liked on him. Seeing Cyrus wasn’t the confusing part – it was who he was talking to that made TJ furrow his eyebrows. There was a tall, dark-haired boy who appeared to be around their age. He sported dark wash jeans and a maroon button-up with a plain white t-shirt underneath.

Ducking behind the wall, as to not be seen by either of them, TJ leaned forward, interested in what was being said.

“Here you go – this is the classroom for your first period. 8th graders take Biology for their science class, which includes mandatory lab activities. You’ll notice that there are desks up near the front and a lab section in the back,” Cyrus explained softly.

“Great! I’ve been looking forward to this class, mainly because I’m thinking about majoring in Biology in college. It should be a good survey course of the material,” the other boy responded, his voice deeply warm and melodic.

“That’s awesome. Well, I hope you end up enjoying it! I’ll meet you right here when class is done and you can tell me all about it.”  

“Sounds like a plan. And hey, thanks again for agreeing to show me around. I’m grateful that Dr. Metcalf assigned you as my personal guide. I haven’t been here very long, but I’m already feeling welcome.”

At those words, TJ snuck a glance around the corner to find both boys grinning at one another. It might have been a trick of the lighting, but there seemed to be a rosy hue blooming across Cyrus’s cheeks.

The proof that someone else – someone entirely new – could make Cyrus blush and genuinely smile like _that_ did not sit well with TJ. It did not sit well _at all._ A sudden, almost uncontrollable surge of anger shot through him, forcing his jaw to clench and his hand to reflexively grip onto the wall, so that he wouldn’t use it to punch this kid in the face.

TJ was close to marching over there and demanding some answers, but the five minute warning bell sounded.

Snapping out of the trance he had fallen in, Cyrus smiled sheepishly and cleared his throat.

“Oh, that means I’ve got to get going. Before I do, I wanted to say I’m glad you’re already feeling at home here. Jefferson’s a great school, but it can be a little overwhelming at times. If you’re ever feeling lost, or just want someone to talk to, let me know, all right?”

“Sure thing. Thank you, Cyrus. It means a lot that you’re here to support me.” He paused to peek at the clock hanging on the wall above Cyrus’s head. “Well, I won’t hold up any more of your time, so I’ll catch you later.”

“Bye.”

With a wave, Cyrus headed in the opposite direction, making his way to his first period class. The other boy’s eyes followed Cyrus’s retreating back, a goofy grin on his face.

TJ couldn’t figure out what that look meant, nor did he want to. All he knew, in this very moment, was that he was _not_ fan of this boy. Glaring at him, TJ could feel his face flush and his chest tighten, as if his airways had been constricted. The strange mix of burning anger and searing envy settled in the center of his stomach.

_Who is he?_ TJ thought to himself, scowling. _What is he even doing here? And why was Cyrus assigned to him?_

He didn’t have long to ponder his questions, for the boy disappeared into the classroom.

_Might as well find out,_ TJ figured, stepping away from the corner to enter the room.

He noticed that the guy selected a seat in the far right corner of the second row of desks. Placing his items on the desk, he quietly sat and opened up his notebook. A few students raised their eyebrows and threw quizzical glances his way, but no one approached him. Even the teacher, Mrs. Salinger, wasn’t speaking to him. Instead, she was setting up a PowerPoint presentation on her laptop, gearing up for today’s lecture.

Attempting to take a calming breath and stamp down his negative feelings, TJ wandered over to his usual seat – the center desk of the third row – and set his supplies down. He rolled his shoulders, trying to ease the tension out of them. Despite wanting to ignore the new kid like everyone else, TJ knew that he had to interact with him to get the answers he needed. With all of the courage he could muster, he walked over to him.

Once he was within speaking distance, he forced a smile and blurted, “Hi.”

The dark-haired boy looked up, eyes glimmering with curiosity. “Hello,” he answered.

For a moment, TJ completely forgot that he had to respond. Having bright blue irises suddenly trained on him was somewhat of a jarring experience. He stood there, his mouth hanging open for a couple of seconds. Shaking his head, he focused on the task at hand.

“You’re new here, right? I haven’t seen you in this class before,” TJ stated, hoping that he sounded conversational, rather than matter-of-fact.  

The boy nodded, rising from his seat. He was slightly taller than TJ, though only by an inch or two. While TJ continued to stare at him, he noticed that the boy’s hair, parted on the left side and slicked down with hair gel, was a deep shade of brown that appeared nearly black. There was a maturity in his face, though a light dusting of freckles across the bridge of nose gave him a youthful look.

A miscellaneous thought flew into TJ’s mind – one that made him nearly jump out of his skin.

_He’s…not…bad-looking. Actually, he’s kind of attractive?_

His train of thought was immediately followed by: _Wait, where the hell did that come from?_  

His head began to pound with an increasing pressure, but before he could decipher what was going on, the other boy started to speak.

“Yeah, today’s my first day. I’m Evan, by the way. I just transferred from Monroe.”

He held his hand in the air, prepared for a handshake. TJ glanced at his hand before hesitantly reaching forward and clasping it in his. Pumping it once and letting go, TJ took a step back, feeling his cheeks burn with warmth.  

“Oh.” TJ paused, unsure of how to continue the conversation. Awkwardly, he rubbed the back of his neck and shuffled his feet against the tile floor. “That’s…cool.”

The response he received was a shrug. “The baseball team’s better here at Jefferson. I was a pitcher over at Monroe, but honestly, the team wasn’t that great. Plus, my family and I moved into a new house, which is closer to Jefferson. All in all, switching schools was the best option.”

TJ nodded. “That makes sense.”

“You’re TJ, right?” Evan asked with an arched eyebrow.

TJ blinked, a puzzled look on his face. “How do you know my name?”

The right side of Evan’s mouth lifted into a partial grin. “You’re well known, I guess. The few people I’ve spoken to have said that you’re wicked out on the basketball court. Team captain, I assume?”

Feeling the tension slowly slip out of him, TJ chuckled. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Nice. I tried playing basketball when I was younger, but I kept tripping over my own feet when passing the ball. And don’t get me started on trying to get the ball through the net – it was a complete disaster. Needless to say, my career in basketball ended fairly quickly,” he laughed, his eyes shining with mirth.

His laugh, like his voice, was melodious and full of warmth. It wasn’t just that the sound was pleasant – it was how it was affecting TJ. For reasons beyond his understanding, he wanted to continue hearing that laugh. And watching Evan smile. And seeing his eyes glint with a mixture of mischief and amusement. These sudden, and not to mention _confusing,_ thoughts were enough to make TJ take a step back, purposefully putting some distance between them.

Clearing his throat, TJ said, “Well, even if you’re not coordinated on the basketball court, I’m sure you’re awesome on the baseball field. I know a few of the guys on the baseball team here, and they mentioned Monroe’s star pitcher. I guess they meant you.”

Evan shrugged again. “Well, I wouldn’t say ‘star’, but I am pretty decent.”  

Just then, the one minute bell rang, signaling that all students needed to be in their classrooms, waiting in their seats.

“Class is about to start,” TJ pointed out, already shuffling toward his desk. “It was nice to meet you.”

“Same. I hope we get a chance to talk some more,” Evan answered in a friendly tone.

Returning to his seat, TJ slumped down, clutching the sides of the desk to keep his hands from shaking. The room was too hot; he could feel sweat start to pool on his body. Shucking off his hoodie, he draped it over the back of his chair.

Staring ahead at the white board, TJ read over today’s agenda, but all he could focus on were the torrent of thoughts invading his mind: _What’s happening to me? I don’t understand all of these weird feelings. I’m supposed to hate this guy because a) he’s been talking to Cyrus and b) he’s annoyingly friendly, but here I am thinking he’s kind of handsome. This isn’t right! None of it is! Straight guys don’t think other guys are attractive. There’s got to be something wrong with me…_

He could have gone on and on, but his thoughts were disrupted by the final bell, followed by Mrs. Salinger’s voice.

“Good morning, everyone. Hopefully you all had a great weekend. As many of you know, today marks the start of a new unit – taxonomy. This is the system that we use to classify organisms. The assignment over the weekend was to read up on the history of taxonomy, beginning with Carl Linnaeus, the man responsible for binomial nomenclature. Before I begin today’s lecture, I’d like to introduce a new student who's joining our class.”

She smiled, gesturing to Evan. “Please tell us your name, where you’re from, and an interesting fact about you.”

For a brief moment, Evan’s eyes widened in surprise. He looked as though he wasn’t expecting any kind of acknowledgement. But, as soon as that look of surprise appeared, it vanished. Replacing it was a look of self-assurance and confidence.  

With an easy grin, he announced, “Hi, I’m Evan Kessler. Monroe was where I used to go to school. I’ve lived in Shadyside for the past couple of years. Before moving here, I lived in New York City, Los Angeles, Seattle, Chicago, Paris, Rome, London, Berlin, and Amsterdam. We’ve moved around a lot because of my dad’s job. He works at Dupont Chemical, which is a company with branches all over the world. Dupont just happens to have a branch here, so that’s why we ended up in Shadyside. Oh, and an interesting fact about me…” He trailed off, tapping his chin in thought. “In my spare time, I play baseball and try to watch as many live theater performances as possible. When I lived in NYC, I often visited Broadway with my parents. And while we were in LA, I got to hang out with the LA Dodgers a few times. Both experiences were _amazing_ _._ ” 

When he finished with his speech, everyone in the room stared at him with wide eyes and slacked jaws, including TJ. Tilting his head to the side, he gazed at Evan in wonder. He wasn’t sure whether to hate him or be impressed by him. Clearly, he had a lot of wealth and power, but despite the vast opportunities he’d already had, Evan sounded _grateful,_ rather than spoiled and bratty.

“That’s very impressive, Mr. Kessler. Thank you for sharing,” Mrs. Salinger stated, appearing visibly startled at the information. She cleared her throat and pointed to the whiteboard. “Now, onto today’s agenda! First, I’ll lecture about the basics of taxonomy. Then, we’ll do a couple of lab activities to apply the material we’re going to cover.”

The rest of his classmates snapped out of the Evan-induced trance, but TJ couldn’t. Even though he began taking notes, like everyone else was, his mind kept turning back to Evan. He was different. Intriguing. And most of all, _confusing._ How could someone be so confident and eloquent, but not come off as arrogant? Given everything he’d seen and experienced, one would think he’d have such a big ego. But, all TJ could see, at least so far, was a humble and friendly guy. In fact, some part of TJ – some small, _strange_ part – wanted to learn more.

_It’s only because I still need answers,_ he internally reasoned. _It’s not because I actually want to get to know him. Not. At. All._

Twenty minutes later, Mrs. Salinger closed out of her PowerPoint presentation, effectively ending the lecture portion of the day’s agenda. She grabbed a stack of stapled packets from her desk, handing the first student in each row a set to take one and pass.

“All right, now that we’ve discussed the basics of taxonomy, let’s begin our lab activities. The packet you’ll receive contains directions for today’s assignment, as well as space to write down your answers. You’ll notice that in the back of the room, I’ve set up some jars and several microscopes. The jars contain various organisms, preserved in chemicals. You’ll find anything from plant-life to fungi to animals. Your job is move around the lab space and identify the taxonomy of each organism, beginning with its domain, kingdom, and phylum. You don’t have to worry about the class, order, family, genus, or species yet. You may refer to your notes, or to the textbook, to help you classify these organisms. After you finish with the jars, set yourself up at one of the microscopes. I will hand around some slides of other organisms that you can examine under the microscope.” She paused to take a breath.

When she spoke again, a knowing smile appeared on her lips. “I won’t be assigning lab partners today, so please pair up with someone of your choosing. You’ll each turn in a packet, so make sure you discuss your answers thoroughly before writing them down.”

Immediately, eager glances were cast around the room, as people silently chose their lab partners.

“If you have a packet, go ahead and get started,” Mrs. Salinger instructed. “I’ll be walking around to help and answer questions.”

Before TJ could even rise from his seat, Evan was waiting next to him.

“Hey, TJ. Do you mind being my partner?” Evan asked tentatively, a shy smile on his lips.

_Yes, I do mind,_ TJ thought irritatingly. _I have better things to do than work with you._

Instead, he muttered, “I don’t mind. Let’s go.”

They found an unoccupied corner of the lab and began there. Eying the jar warily, TJ tapped on the glass. He could have sworn the thing moved inside. Involuntarily, a shiver ran down his spine.

“Ugh, what is that?” he wondered, wrinkling his nose.

Evan studied the jar carefully before penciling his answer. “It’s a roundworm. The domain is Eukarya, the kingdom is Animalia, and the phylum is Nematoda.”

TJ raised an eyebrow. “You’re sure about that? You didn’t even look at the notes.”

Evan glanced up from his paper, his blue eyes reflecting amusement. 

In a patient tone, he replied, “I’m pretty sure. Go ahead and check if you’d like to.” He nodded toward TJ’s notebook.

Frowning, TJ skimmed his notes, finding the section about classification criteria. He ran his finger down the page until he could locate the right information. When he found what he was looking for, he sighed.

“You’re right. How did you get the answer so fast?”  

Evan shrugged – something that TJ noticed he did often.

“Science has always been my best subject, so I absorb the material fairly easily.” He paused, appearing hesitant to say what was on his mind. After a moment, he continued. “Also, my mom is biological researcher. I grew up learning about biological concepts, so…” he trailed off, shrugging once more.

Nodding, TJ finished his thought for him. “It’s second nature to you.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re…” TJ searched for the right word. Nothing came to mind, so he ended up saying, “something else, Evan. Definitely different from most of the people around here.” He chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief.  

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

TJ couldn’t help a small smile from spreading across his mouth.

“It’s a good thing.”

Grinning in response, Evan moved to another area with a different jar. He gestured to it.

“Okay, it’s your turn.”

Scrunching his eyebrows together, TJ stared long and hard at the jar, watching the organism float around in the liquid.

“It’s…a jellyfish,” he stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  

Evan rolled his eyes. “Of course it’s a jellyfish. Now, how would you classify its taxonomy?”

Throwing him an annoyed look, TJ referred to his notes. “Uh, the domain is Eukarya. The kingdom is Animalia. And the phylum is…” he paused to search the table he created of the characteristics for each phyla. A minute later, he blurted, “Mollusca?”

Evan shook his head. “Nope. The Mollusca phylum includes animals like snails, mussels, clams, oysters, octopi, squid, and cuttlefish. That jellyfish right there,” he pointed to the jar, “actually belongs in the Cnidaria phylum.”

“What’s the difference?”

“We just talked about the characteristics and Mrs. Salinger mentioned that the textbook has more information. Take a look at either the textbook or your notes,” Evan remarked, motioning to the resources on the table.

“You’re crazy if you think I’m going to sit here and read through all of that information. That’ll take way too much time." 

Sighing good-naturedly, Evan muttered, “This is what I get for choosing _you_ as a partner.”

Despite the jab, TJ could tell that he was teasing. “All right, all right. I may not be the smartest student when it comes to biology, but I’m willing to learn. Will you tell me the difference, oh brilliant one?”

“Fine,” Evan agreed, taking a breath before launching into an explanation.

“Animals in the Cnidaria phylum are sea anemones, jellyfish, and coral. Most have tentacles with stinging cells called nematocysts. They lack internal body organs and central nervous systems, making them less advanced.”

Flabbergasted, TJ gawked at Evan. “I know you said you really get biology, but you’re like a walking textbook. It’s cool and creepy at the same time.”

And as usual, Evan deflected the compliment by shrugging. “If it helps any, I’m terrible at history.”

“That’s actually _my_ best subject.”

“See? If we have that class together, you’ll be the one schooling me.”

“Can’t wait,” TJ laughed. “Who do you have for history?”

“Mr. Bell, I think. I have that class 5th period.”

TJ smirked. “Oh, me, too. I guess I will get a chance to show off then.”

Socking him gently on the arm, Evan grinned. “Looking forward to it.” Grabbing his papers, he headed toward the third jar. “C’mon, we need to keep going – there are still four more left.”

The boys each took turns examining the jars and determining the taxonomy of each organism. By the time they wrote down their answers for the last one, TJ felt much more confident in his classification ability.

“All right, class,” Mrs. Salinger cut in, standing in the middle of the lab space. “We only have about fifteen minutes of class left. I believe most of you have completed this portion, but even if you haven’t, there will be a few minutes to wrap it up tomorrow. With the remaining time we have, let’s go head and work on the second activity. Please move to an open microscope and I will pass out the slides. You may only get through one or two of them. Make sure to adjust the microscope settings accordingly so that you can clearly see the organism. In your packet, you’ll have a separate space to sketch what you see. And just as before, determine each organism’s domain, kingdom, and phylum, if applicable.”

As soon as she finished her directions, TJ surveyed the area and wandered over to the microscope hiding in the left corner of the room. Plugging the device in, he flicked on the switch and waited for Evan to collect their slides.

When Evan handed him the first slide, TJ wasted no time in clipping it into place. Bending over, he pressed his eye against the eye-piece, making quick use of the knobs on either side of the microscope. He silently worked on fixing the light and maximizing the size of the image.

“Need help adjusting the settings?” Evan asked curiously, peering over TJ’s shoulder.

The close proximity made TJ’s skin tingle, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. Taking a deep, calming breath didn’t help matters because his nostrils were filled with a scent that was a mix of the woods and the ocean. Whatever cologne Evan used was rather pleasant, TJ noted with dread.

He shifted in his spot, causing Evan to take a step back.

“Nah, I’ve got it. It’s actually pretty easy to work with microscopes. They’re interesting,” TJ mumbled, backing away and waving his hand at it. “Want to take a look?”

“Sure.”

Evan took TJ’s place, investigating the adjustments. “Well done,” he murmured, reaching for his packet and pencil. “I figured we could each sketch the organism and then discuss the taxonomy. Does that sound okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. You can go first, since you’re already looking at it.”

“Thanks.”

While Evan sketched, TJ inspected his notes, trying to understand the concepts he had absentmindedly written down. Every once in a while, he’d glance at Evan, who appeared to be fully focused on the task at hand. He tried to keep the staring to a minimum, as to not get caught.      

“Hey, TJ?”

“Hmm?” TJ whispered in response, looking up from his notebook to turn his gaze on the brunette.

“Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be examined under a microscope?” Evan inquired, keeping his eyes trained on the microscope and his sketch. “I mean, I understand that the organisms don’t have a choice about it, but the concept is kind of eerie. You know, to have so many pairs of eyes on you, trying to pick you apart?”

At Evan’s words, TJ’s mind turned to the conversation he’d had earlier. If Kira was serious about exposing him to the entire school…the situation would be equivalent to being placed under a microscope for everyone to scrutinize and judge.

The thought made TJ shudder, which unfortunately for him, Evan noticed.

“You all right there?” he asked, lifting his head to reveal concerned blue eyes.

“Yeah,” TJ swallowed, mentally searching for an explanation for his sudden reaction. “I guess I never really thought about it that way. When humans look at organisms through the microscope, we don’t think twice about it. But, when we’re the ones under the spotlight…it’s a different story. That realization just struck me.”

“It’s both morbid and fascinating, isn’t it?”

TJ nodded, his mind continuing to circulate back to the image of being scrutinized and judged by his peers. To distract himself, he gestured to the microscope.

“Are you good? Can I start sketching?”

Moving away from the scientific instrument, Evan answered, “It’s all yours.”

As TJ alternated between peering into the eye-piece and drawing the image projected by the microscope, he thought now was a good time to finally get the information he needed from Evan.

In the most causal tone that he could manage, he asked, “Hey, on my way to class, I saw you talking to Cyrus Goodman. Out of curiosity, what was that about?”

“Well, apparently a few months ago, Cyrus signed up to be a personal guide to any new students transferring to Jefferson. When Dr. Metcalf received notice that I was transferring, he checked his list of personal guides and assigned the one he thought was best suited for me. He emailed both of us last week to ask if Cyrus and I could meet outside of school to see if we’d work out. We met at The Spoon yesterday to talk through some things, and everything went smoothly. As a personal guide, he’s obligated to walk me to my classes and show me around the school, at least for the first week. He actually suggested that we hang out outside of school to build rapport, which I’m totally cool with. He seems like a really nice guy.”

_Ah, that’s what Cyrus meant when he said he had to run errands,_ TJ thought contemptuously. He could feel his lips curl into a sneer, but before they did, he adjusted his expression, so that Evan couldn’t read into it.

“He is. He’ll make the perfect personal guide,” TJ promised, attempting to ignore the pang of sadness that hit him in that moment.

“Thanks – that’s good to know. Based on your comments, I’m guessing the two of you are friends?” Curiosity laced Evan’s voice.

TJ hesitated before answering, mostly because he wasn’t sure of the answer himself.

“Something like that,” he muttered, turning back to his sketch.

A beat of silence passed before Evan murmured, “I feel like there’s more to the story,  but I’ll respect your privacy and won’t pry.”

“I appreciate that,” TJ said curtly, adding the finishing touches to his sketch. “Have a good time getting to know Cyrus.”

As much as he tried, TJ could not keep the resentment out of his voice.

Unexpectedly, a hand rested on his shoulder, just for a brief second.

Evan regarded him with a sympathetic look. “Are you okay, TJ? I can see this is bothering you in some way.”

Flinching, TJ coughed, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“You sure? You don’t have to tell me anything specific, but if the subject of Cyrus is bothersome, please let me know.”

“I said I was _fine_ ,” TJ snapped, turning angry eyes on Evan.

Backing away, Evan raised his hands, appearing as if he was trying to soothe a wild animal.

“Okay, I believe you,” Evan replied quietly, though his eyes showed that clearly wasn’t the case.

Realizing his mistake, TJ’s cheeks colored. “I’m sorry – that was rude. I shouldn’t have snapped at you." 

“No harm done. I apologize for pushing.”

“Can we drop it?” 

“Already done.”

“Good. Let’s talk about the taxonomy for this thing before class ends.”

The rest of the class period went off without a hitch. With that awkward moment behind them, both boys were able to calmly discuss the organism’s taxonomy.

When the bell rang, Mrs. Salinger called out, “You can leave the microscopes and slides out; the next class will clean them up. Please keep your packets because we’ll use them tomorrow. Tomorrow is also when I’ll mention the details of your end-of-unit project, so be prepared for that. See you all later!”

Intending to quickly stop at his desk to gather the rest of his items, TJ walked in that direction, but Evan intercepted him before he made it that far.

“Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for being my lab partner today. And I’m sorry for what happened earlier,” Evan whispered, blue eyes soft with sincerity.

“It’s okay,” TJ replied, startled, once again, at how distracting those eyes were.

In reality, it wasn’t okay – nothing about this was. But, TJ was damned if he was going to admit any of it.

Evan smiled. “Good luck with the rest of your morning classes. See you in history!” he cheerily announced, making his way to his own desk.

“See you.”

Still in a daze from his interaction with Evan, TJ picked up his things and exited the classroom. In hindsight, he should have been more careful when bustling out of the room – he nearly collided with a body who happened to be standing a few inches from the door. It was none other than Cyrus, his face showing that “deer caught in the headlights” look.

Before he could stop himself, TJ blurted, “Hey, Cyrus.”

The other boy said nothing, only giving TJ a slight nod in acknowledgement.

TJ wasn’t sure what his face did in that moment, but if he had to guess, he probably looked as disappointed as he felt. For a second, sympathy flickered in Cyrus’s brown eyes. As soon as it appeared, it was gone. In its place was indifference.  

“Hi, Cyrus,” Evan chirped from behind TJ, edging past him to stand next to Cyrus.

Almost instantaneously, Cyrus’s expression changed. His eyes lit up, while his lips fell into an easy smile. He turned to Evan, regarding him with an affectionate look.

“Hello,” Cyrus replied.

Frozen, TJ stood there helplessly, heart sinking, as he watched the both boys smile at one another. Recalling his anger and jealousy from earlier, TJ realized that what he was feeling right now was worse. At least anger and jealousy were relatively easy to handle – he’d had plenty of practice in experiencing those emotions and dealing with the aftermath. 

But, being up close and seeing Cyrus and Evan interact in such a friendly manner…it _hurt._ It hurt in a way that TJ wasn’t used to ever feeling – like he’d been disposed of and replaced without a second thought. Usually _he_ was the one who pushed people away and disengaged from his friendships.

_Looks like the other shoe has finally dropped,_ he thought forlornly.

Suddenly aware of his surroundings, his face hardened. Now was not the time to stand there and pout like a baby. Clenching his fists, he fled the scene, wanting to be as far away from Cyrus and Evan as possible.

The rest of the day wasn’t much better. Rather than allow the sadness to consume him, he affected an air of detachment. Throughout the day, he could feel his intimidating mask slip back into place. During those times, he’d stalk down the hallways, glaring at anyone who passed him. And if they dared to even speak to him, he’d growl, snap, snarl, and bark. He didn’t care that he seemed like a raving lunatic – he just needed his space. Why couldn’t anyone _understand_ that?

With all of his confusing thoughts and mix of emotions, it was so much easier to call out anger and bring it forth. And right now, TJ needed _easy._

_Two steps forward and about a million steps back,_ he thought humorlessly, as he waited outside of Coach Purcell’s office. _I’ve spent these last few months trying to shed this angry, volatile version of myself, and look where that’s gotten me? Right back to the start._

Checking the clock on the wall, TJ noticed that he had about five more minutes before Coach was going to show up. Practice was cancelled today on account of an important meeting that all sports coaches at Jefferson had to attend. TJ had emailed his coach during his lunch period, asking him if they could speak after the meeting wrapped. Coach Purcell had agreed, instructing TJ that he’d be at his office around 3:30.

While TJ leaned against the wall, he reflected on everything that had occurred after walking away from Cyrus and Evan.

The rest of his classes weren’t terrible, but he certainly didn’t enjoy them. Rather than focusing on the material he was supposed to learn, his thoughts centered on Kira’s threat, as well as the fact that now that Evan was in the picture, Cyrus was bound to spend a lot more time with him. That thought, in of itself, was sickening.

Plus, he couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out how he felt about Evan.

On one hand, he wanted to hate the guy and throw his anger in Evan’s face. It was bad enough that Evan was Mr. Perfect with his intelligence, athletic ability, light-heartedness, and kindness. What was _worse_ was that he had to use all of his positive attributes to win over Cyrus. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Cyrus was clearly taken with him. Over the course of the day, TJ had seen Evan and Cyrus in the halls, talking, laughing, and joking like best buddies. And when lunch rolled around, they sat together with the rest of Cyrus’s friends. Everyone seemed so impressed and awed by him, immediately welcoming him into their group.

Having to sit and watch it all unfold for a full thirty minutes was _brutal._ With his stomach sinking and his heart breaking, TJ noted from across the room that Cyrus looked _happy._ He looked happier spending time with Evan than he ever had with TJ throughout their friendship.

 On the other hand, he knew that it wasn’t fair to hate Evan. He hadn’t actually done anything to warrant TJ’s wrath. Evan was simply trying to get to know Cyrus; he probably needed a friend to help him through the adjustment to a new school.  

These two sides of TJ – anger and rationality –  battled one another all day long. While bursts of rage periodically shot through him, they would eventually fizzle out. He kept reminding himself that while he _despised_ the sight of Cyrus with someone else, Cyrus deserved a better friend than him. And maybe Evan was that person. Maybe he could be that friend Cyrus needed.

And of course, as if everything wasn’t already confusing, there was the problem that TJ found Evan a tiny bit attractive, both physically and personality-wise. As much as he _really_ didn’t want to, he couldn’t help it. The mere feelings he was experiencing were enough to cause shame and self-loathing – white hot and blinding – to run throughout his body. He _hated_ it, but there was something captivating about Evan – there had been ever since he’d opened his mouth and started speaking.

TJ was even captivated when Evan pulled him aside after World History. They hadn’t said a word to each other all class, as it was a heavy lecture day. TJ would have been fine with the silence, but Evan apparently wasn’t. Before TJ could rush off to his last class of the day, Evan approached him.

Tossing his backpack on the ground, TJ slowly slid down to a crouching position, slouching on the floor, head thrown back against the wall with his eyes closed.

The conversation he’d had with Evan echoed in his head.

* * *

_“Hey, it’s a bummer we didn’t get to talk during this class. I was hoping to see your history skills come into action,” Evan said, grinning widely._

_Taking a page from Evan’s book, TJ shrugged. “You’ll probably get to see them on a day when Mr. Bell isn’t lecturing the whole hour.”_

_“Good. It’s only fair that you get to show off in this class since I did in Biology.”_

_Evan’s grin dipped into a frown in a next moment. Lowering his voice, he murmured, “Look, there’s something I actually wanted to tell you before school’s over for the day.”_

_TJ’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. He had no idea where this was going._

_“What?” he wondered._

_“I noticed this morning that you were talking to Kira Carpenter and that she was at your lunch table today, hanging out with the other basketball players.”_

_TJ grimaced, knowing exactly what Evan was referring to. At lunch, Kira had shown up, demanding a place at the table. Despite the confused looks from his teammates and the whispered, ‘What the hell, Kippen?’ from the guys, TJ had allowed her to sit. She wasted no time trying to worm her way in, immediately launching into stories from her time as the shooting guard at Monroe and boasting about her natural talent. He managed to ignore her, while she went on and on. Instead, he kept his focus on the table across the room. Of course, she noticed his discomfort during lunch, which was why, after the lunch bell rang, she hissed into his ear, ‘Don’t forget our deal. You better talk to Coach after school today.’_

_“Yeah, that happened,” TJ muttered, feeling the tension build in his shoulders._

_“I don’t know if you’re close to her or not, but I have some friendly advice.” Evan’s lips thinned into a flat line. “Don’t be friends with her.”_

_Shuddering at the thought, TJ quickly replied, “No worries about that. We are definitely **not** friends.” _

_“Good. She’s nothing but trouble, TJ. Take it from someone who knows her and what she’s capable of. We both transferred from Monroe, and let’s just say that hers was mandatory transfer. I don’t know every detail, but that’s mainly because nobody from Monroe really does. Something **bad** went down, but it got covered up. All I know is that she’s mostly to blame. She has a history and a bad one at that. If I were you, I’d watch your back around her.” _

_Swallowing, TJ nodded. “I got it, thanks.”_

_“You’re welcome. I don’t mean to worry you, but I felt it was important to tell you. You seem like a cool guy and the last thing I’d want is for her to wreak havoc on your life.”_

_Unfortunately, it was already too late for that. TJ didn’t say it, though, in case Evan wanted more information. And with his luck, Evan would – he was the kind the guy who wouldn’t settle for a simple answer._

_“And I appreciate the warning.” He anxiously glanced at clock, knowing that he didn’t have long to make it his next class. Choosing to not further the conversation, he started in the direction of the door. “Well, I gotta go – 6 th period awaits me. Catch you later,” he called over his shoulder, dashing out of there. _

_Evan’s statement about Kira had both disturbed and intrigued him. While he didn’t want to be late to his last class of the day, he figured it was critical that he communicate what he’d just learned. Ducking into an alcove, he pulled out his phone and texted Buffy._

**_TJ:_ ** _If you have a few minutes around 4:00 today, could we talk? I learned something about Kira and I need your help._

_Her response was immediate._

**_Buffy:_ ** _I have to stay after school anyway to finish a project, so sure. Meet outside of the gym?_

_He sent her a thumb’s up emoji, followed by a ‘thanks.’_

* * *

 TJ could have continued replaying everything in his head, but the sound of footsteps alerted him of a person nearby. Opening his eyes, he found Coach Purcell standing in front of him.

“Kippen,” he greeted, side-stepping TJ to unlock his office. He gestured with his hand for TJ to enter.

Rising from his spot on the ground and reaching for his backpack, TJ announced, “Hi, Coach. Thanks again for meeting me today. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

He crossed the threshold and plopped down on the familiar chair that sat opposite to Coach’s desk. He had spent many hours in that chair, running plays by Coach, reviewing his responsibilities as team captain, and discussing ways to improve the team’s spirit and moral.

“Are you doing okay, TJ?” Coach asked, taking a seat on his swivel chair at his desk. He frowned, his eyes crinkling with concern. “You were really out of it at practice on Friday. And then your email message sounded alarming.”

TJ rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Coach Purcell usually only called him by his surname; it was rare that he referred to him as ‘TJ.’ It wasn’t as if the man was rude or cold, but he certainly wasn’t the warmest person. In a way, TJ was grateful that his coach cared enough about him to appear somewhat worried.

“I’m fine, Coach. Sorry about Friday’s practice, though. That was a rough day for me and I took it out on the team. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s all right. Just see to it that it doesn’t happen again. We need your head and your heart into every practice and every game,” Coach warned, his voice slightly gruff, but it was clear that affection lay underneath the surface.

“Of course. I promise, Coach.” TJ paused, trying to find the best way to approach the next part of the conversation. Rather than beat around the bush, he launched right into it. “Speaking of practice and games…the thing I want to talk to you about…well, it has to do with holding a try-out for someone.”

Both of Coach’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“You know we have more than enough players. Why would I hold a try-out for one person?”

TJ had to clench his jaw for this next part. Breathing through his nose loudly, he lied right through his teeth.

“Because she’s really talented and deserves to be evaluated for a spot on the team.”

“ _She_?” Coach Purcell responded incredulously, shaking his head. “Kippen, you _know_ there’s a girls’ team now. You need to talk to Driscoll about this – she’ll have more answers than I do about an addition to her team.”

“That’s the thing,” TJ coughed, his nerves twisting inside of him. “This person was briefly on the girls’ team, but Buffy decided it wasn’t wise for her to continue playing.”

The look of confusion on Coach’s face made it clear that he had no idea where TJ was going with this.

“And why was that? Why did Driscoll boot her from the team?”

Despite knowing the answer, TJ shrugged. “I don’t know the full story. It’s not like Buffy and I talk all that much.” Well, it was partially true, so he wasn’t _technically_ lying. “Look, I know you’re aware that we’re about to lose our shooting guard. Trevor’s moving out of state in a couple of weeks, so we’re going to be down a player. To be at the top of our game, we need an unbeatable replacement. We could use her talent, honestly. I’ve seen her play when I attended some Monarchs games last year. She’s good. _Really_ good. And I know she’d  make a great addition to our team, even if Buffy won’t have her on her team. I wouldn’t ask you this if I didn’t truly feel like we need her.”

As soon as he’d said it, TJ wanted to kick himself. _Hard._ He usually didn’t have a problem with lying – that was how he’d gotten by in the past, after all. But, _this…this_ lie was vile.

Coach Purcell leaned back in his chair, rubbed his hands together (a habit he adopted when he was deep in thought or about to deliver some bad news), and sighed heavily.

“You have a point about Trevor, but I just don’t know about this. It all seems suspicious to me, especially the part about Driscoll deciding that she wasn’t fit for her team. If it has to deal with an actual issue about the girl, I’d say that she can’t try-out. But, if it’s a personal issue between Driscoll and the girl, such as Driscoll not liking her for some reason, then maybe I’d consider it. I’ll have to have a conversation with Driscoll first and we’ll see where it goes from there. That’s all I can promise at this point. Okay?”

TJ nodded. “Thank you, Coach. I appreciate it.”

Quirking a brow, Coach asked, “ _If_ I decided – and that’s a big ‘if’, by the way – to evaluate her skills and then asked for your opinion, would there a conflict of interest on your part? You seem to be a big supporter of her. Are you – in any way – involved with her?”

TJ’s eyes bulged. Why did _everyone_ think that he liked her? That couldn’t have further from the truth!

“No, not at all, Coach. I hardly know her, but I do know that she’s a talented basketball player. That’s all, I swear.”

“Okay,” he agreed, though it looked like he didn’t quite buy what TJ was saying. “After I speak to Driscoll, I’ll make my decision and let you know.”

“That works. Thanks again.”

Coach Purcell nodded. “Is that all for today?”

“Yes. I’ll see myself out now. Practice tomorrow then, since we didn’t have it today?”

“Correct. I’ll send out an email in a minute to remind the other boys.”

TJ turned to leave, but Coach’s voice interrupted him.

“Don’t forget to bring your A-game from here on out. No slacking, Kippen. We’re going to have a great season,” Coach stated firmly, his expression serious.

TJ saluted to him. “Got it, Coach.”

Exiting Coach’s office, backpack hanging off his right shoulder, TJ made his way to the gym. Luckily, for him, Buffy was already there.

“You’re early,” she noted, a smirk on her lips. 

“So are you,” he countered. “It’s not even 4:00 yet.”

She shrugged. “I finished my project earlier than expected. I’m guessing you’re done talking to Coach Purcell?”

“Yeah.” His eyes roamed the hall, scanning the length of it. It was currently deserted, but he didn’t want to risk having this conversation out in the open where anyone could hear.

“Can we head outside? What I’m about to tell you… I don’t want others eavesdropping.”

A bewildered expression crossed her face. “Yeah, sure.”

They walked side-by-side until they left the building. TJ spotted a picnic table out front and slid onto the bench. Buffy followed suit, sitting near him, allowing some physical space between them.

“What’s up?” she wondered, brow arched. “You wouldn’t have asked to meet me if this wasn’t important.”

Anxiously, TJ wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. “Well, I met Evan. He’s in two of my classes, and after our last class together, he told me some things about Kira.”

The arched brow rose, almost reaching her hairline. “Right – Evan and Kira both transferred from Monroe. What did he say?”

“He mentioned that she transferred for a reason, but he doesn’t know what it is for sure. The way he said it…it made it sound like she might have gotten expelled from Monroe or something. He basically said she’s not a good person and that I should stay away from her.”

Rolling her eyes, Buffy snorted. “Well, _duh._ We already knew that. So?”

Biting his lip, TJ muttered, “I can’t exactly stay away from her because I made a deal with her.”

Buffy stared at him, eyes narrowing. “What _kind_ of deal?”

“Please don’t tell her I told you,” he begged, his voice crackling with panic.

“You don’t have to worry about that. Just tell me,” Buffy urged, leaning forward in her seat, her interest piqued.

Cringing, TJ replied, “She wants a spot on the boys’ team, so she told me to convince Coach to let her try-out.”

Buffy’s jaw dropped, her mouth hanging open. _“Seriously?”_ she asked, her voice shrill, her eyes burning with ire.

TJ nodded miserably, voice breaking as he said, “Yeah. That’s why I had to meet with Coach Purcell. I have to do everything I can to get her on the team, or else she’s going to blackmail me.”

“Oh,” Buffy gasped, a look of understanding replacing the angry expression. “Whether it’s true or not, she’s threatening to tell people you’re…”

“Yeah.”

“ _Oh, hell no,_ ” Buffy spat, curling her hands into fists at her side. “She doesn’t get to pull that shit – not on my watch. I’m going to have a serious talk with her – she may cry by the end of it. I don’t go easy when I’m giving a classic Driscoll lecture.”

TJ wasn’t sure whether to be surprised by the fact that Buffy just cursed (something that he couldn’t ever imagine her doing) or that she was willing to stick up for him.

“Buffy, as much as I appreciate what you’re willing to do, I can’t have you actually fight my battles for me. _But,_ I do need some help.”

At that, Buffy deflated a little, uncurling her fists. Still, the feistiness was present in her eyes.

“All right, what can I help with?”

“Well, there are two things. First, dig up some dirt on her. I need something to hold over her head, so the more you can find, the better. Until I have that leverage, she’s going to keep on making demands and threatening to reveal things about me. Listen, she left Monroe for a reason and I’d like you to find that reason. I’m sure there’s information buried somewhere. If I had to guess, it’s all on files. Your mom can hack into encrypted files, right? With her military position, I figured she’d have access to things that normal people can’t get to.”

“You…want…my mom…to hack into files?” Buffy repeated slowly, letting TJ’s words sink in.  

Nervously, TJ nodded. “If she can.”

“Technically, she _can._ I can’t guarantee she’s going to do it, though. It’s risky, TJ. You’re asking a lot here. If _anyone_ were to find out…she’d get into _a lot_ of trouble.”

“I know,” TJ sighed. “It’s a huge risk, but I’m desperate. She’s the only person I can think of who would be able to do it. Unless…do you know anyone else who’s good at hacking?”

Buffy thought for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. “ _Well,_ there is someone who’s pretty handy with computers…”

“Who?” TJ nearly shouted, eager for the answer.

She paused, as if she was considering revealing the identity of the individual. After a moment, she said, “Marty.”

At TJ’s look of confusion, Buffy clarified, “He’s a friend of mine. We recently started talking again after taking a break. He was the fourth head in the Mt. Rushmore photograph.”

TJ’s eyes lit with recognition. “Oh, him. He’s a computer expert?”

“Yeah. He’s really into programming and stuff. I’m sure he could figure it out with some time. And I’d feel safer asking him than my mom, whose job could be on the line.”

“If he’s willing to help out, that would be great. Just…um… can you not tell him the real reason behind all of this? Like, put it in very vague terms, in case he wonders?”

“I can do that. He may not agree to do it, but I can definitely ask. If all else fails, I’ll try my hand at it. I’m not a complete dummy when it comes to computers.” She rolled her eyes playfully.

“Thank you,” TJ breathed, gratitude filling him. “You have no idea how much I appreciate this.”

Laughing, Buffy shook her head. “Look at me, helping TJ Kippen.” She mock-shuddered, her lips curving into a smile. “A few months ago, I wouldn’t have even entertained the idea of being on your side. Now look at us – working together to take down an evil person.”

Raising his fist hesitantly, TJ placed it near Buffy’s, intending for a fist-bump. Graciously, she accepted and knocked her fist with his. They shared a smile before Buffy spoke again.

“You said there were two things. What’s the other?” she inquired, titling her head to the side in wonder.

“Um,” TJ coughed, internally wincing. “Coach is planning on talking to you about why you kicked Kira off of the girls’ team. He mentioned that if it was a personal reason, he’d let it slide and consider evaluating her to join the boys’ team. If it’s an actual problem with her, he’s going to say no. Could you tell him it was just a personal thing, so that it’ll increase the chances of him evaluating her?”

 “No.”

“ _No_?” TJ cried, gesturing wildly with his arms. “What do you mean ‘no’?”

Glaring at him, she simply replied, “It means what it is means.”

“ _Buffy,”_ TJ groaned, irritation flaring inside of him. “You just agreed to help me! Why can’t you do this?”

“TJ,” Buffy admonished, her voice taking a tone similar to a mother scolding her misbehaving child. “I’m not about to tell Coach Purcell that I cut her from the team because of a petty personal reason – it was because she has a _horrible_ attitude. She’s _not_ a team player because everything’s all about her. I have no idea how she managed to stay on her team at Monroe, given her ego and her attitude.”

Switching tactics, TJ sighed deeply, settling into a pleading tone. His eyes darted back and forth, seeming frantic.

“I get why you wouldn’t want to, but come on, Buffy. If this doesn’t go through, Kira will make my life a living _hell._ She’s never gonna stop tormenting me until she gets what she wants. I’ll be under the damn microscope for all the world to see!”

Buffy’s eyes widened, as she uttered a puzzled, “Huh?”

Momentarily forgetting that Buffy hadn’t been in class with him, he explained, “Sorry, that was probably a weird thing to say. It’s a reference to the conversation that I had with Evan in Biology.”

“Oh.”

She didn’t say anything after that, but the expression on her face seemed cautious, guarded.

Trying once more, TJ murmured, “You _know_ I’m not the kind of person to beg, but this thing is scaring me. And I _can’t_ handle it. All I can do is appease her now, at least until I can get something to hang over her head. Just, _please._ ” His voice wobbled, revealing the depth of his emotions.

TJ couldn’t tell exactly what Buffy was thinking in that moment, but he figured she was mentally creating a list of the pros and cons. Regarding him with a neutral look, she sighed, her shoulders hunched in a resigned manner.

“Okay.”

“Really?”

She nodded, muttering, “Don’t say I didn’t do anything nice for you And you owe me for this – milkshakes and baby taters for a whole week.”

His shoulders sagged with relief. Her trade-off was something he could definitely live with.

 “You’ve got it. And thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Anyway, it’s getting kinda late, so we should head out. By the sounds of it, we’ve both had a day, and I, for one, am looking forward to a quiet evening. My mom’s picking me up soon, but before I leave, I wanted to ask – how are you? And tell me the truth.”

“Honestly? I’m confused. This is the most confused I’ve ever been. I talked to Cyrus yesterday and it didn’t go well.” He saw Buffy open her mouth, probably to ask him to elaborate, but he barreled on, saying, “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s bad enough replaying that conversation in my head; I don’t want to rehash everything out loud. Anyway, he wants me to figure things out on my own, and literally all I’m feeling is confused.”

 “It’s okay to be confused, TJ,” Buffy reasoned, using the same sympathetic tone she’d had at the park. “Confusion’s a part of self-discovery. You’re supposed to question, ponder, and explore things. That’s how you get to learn who you are and what you want.”

 “Yeah, but I don’t like being confused,” TJ argued.

“I’m pretty sure no one does. It’s a part of life, though. You work through the confusion, starting with small steps. First, you have to let yourself question, ponder, and explore. If you can’t even do those things, then there’s no point in going any further. It’s like a barrier. If you start to break through it,  a little bit at a time, then it gets easier after that.”

“Why do you always give such vague advice?” TJ grumbled, crossing his arms. “You’re supposed to give me detailed instructions on what to do.”

“Can’t help you there, buddy. This is on you, remember?”

TJ sighed. “I guess.”

A sudden buzz interrupted them. Reaching for her phone from her jacket pocket, Buffy glanced at the screen.

“My mom’s here, so I gotta go. Just think about what I said.”

She stood and turned to go, but TJ couldn’t help but express his gratitude once more.

“Thank you.”

She gave him a soft smile before departing.

Glancing at the time on his own cellular device, he realized that it was too late to catch a bus back to his house. Walking was his only option at this point.

_Maybe the walk will help me clear my head,_ he thought hopefully, rising from the bench. However, on his way home, the confusion continued to follow him like a dark, lurking shadow.

Little did he know that this confusion was going to grow in strength in the next few weeks.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor TJ! The guy is going through so much right now. Are you feeling just as confused and overwhelmed as he is? And what do you think of Evan? Can he be trusted? Leave your thoughts in a comment :)


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